Relationships: The Foundation of Meaning in Life

Life changes, inevitably. Choices change us, events happen that we cannot avoid, time moves forward without asking. Sometimes I wonder how well I am really using what I am given:

Relationships are the building blocks in life. Everything revolves around relationships: home, work, vacation, grocery shopping, etc. There isn't anything that does not effect the people around you. Even taking time for yourself effects those you love because you isolate yourself from them: you can destroy or build up relationships based on what you do with time by yourself. People die from a lack of influential and significant relationships. There is a lot that stands on the foundation of relationships.

I guess I began thinking about this as I was reading my bible. As I lay down, I started thinking about how while growing up, adults, who mean well, teach us multiple reasons as to why we are to read the bible. And although many of them are true, many impressionable youth are left with multiple reasons fighting for the logic of why they are to read the bible. Usually, somewhere among the plethera of reasons, the relationship with Christ bridging our relationship with God is taught, but it isn't always grasped as the sole reason for reading scripture.

I say all this because for one reason or another, growing up, I always felt I was to gain some new insight, some new meaning, some life-altering truth every time I spent time reading the bible. Every time I didn't, which seemed to make up a majority of the time, I felt I had failed somehow and God was no longer near me, I was being punished. I might not have even done anything wrong in that moment, but I was still a failure, thus I learned nothing and God could not find favor with me. Even now I still find myself feeling this way. As much as I knew in my head it wasn't true, I found lies pelting me like a cold, hard rain. They were needles driving their way into my flesh I could not rid myself of.

However, my eyes were open today, while discussing with God the way I feel about how I struggle with reading the bible because of how many times I feel as though I'm staring into an abyss. It's all about my relationship with Him. My desire to spend time with Him. Like every relationship, to grow you must spend time with one another. It will die if you don't. You may not always feel like you're getting anywhere with it. You are bound to feel like a huge wall has been dropped between you and the other person at times. Yet, all He truly wants from me is my heart and for me to take time to spend with Him, solely Him.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to realize that. I'm sure I've only heard it a jillion times from other people, too, but for some reason it didn't begin to take root until today. I'm bound to need to be told this simple truth again. I'm human and bound to fail. But His grace is bound to pull me back up and give me a second chance.

Along with this realization came the insight of how important my relationships with everyone I come in contact with are. The man who stands in front of me at the grocery store, the patients I encounter on a daily basis at work, my co-workers, everyone with whom I have contact. Do I seize all opportunities I am given? I'm sure not, but I would at least like to die knowing I tried my hardest to build meaningful relationships with everyone I am given the opportunity.

I know my thought process on this is not complete and very raw, but I had to begin to flesh it out. If you have any thoughts, feel free to comment.

Visiting My Family

I have to say my internal timing mechanism has been thrown off with this small vacation I have had. Yesterday I thought it was Saturday. Thursday I couldn't remember what day it was. Today I feel like I should be getting back home and preparing for another week.

Fortunately, I'm still quite relaxed (as relaxed as you can be with a 2-week-old baby in the home). Spending time with Lindsey and Drew and getting to meet my new born nephew, Brayden, has been great. Although I don't feel like expounding all I'm thinking on here, there are quite a few things having time off has caused to reel in my head.

As much as I don't miss the homework, having the time off during Christmas or Spring break was a nice component of school. I find it harder to make time for myself to relax in the manner I could during those times. And much of the time I don't have the ability to make that kind of time for myself. I guess vacation time, once I can use it, will come in handy. I can see myself using time to just to have off if I have an excess of time.

Anyway, I am enjoying my nephew. Not that he can do much, but I am glad I was able to see him in his early stage. He is growing quickly and the next time I see him I'm sure he will be able to hold his head up, smile, maybe giggle. All the stages of life I will miss because of being far away will be hard, but it makes these times I get to see him that much more sweet.

Will I Grasp What You Want to Teach Me?

I have SO much to ponder. SOOOO much! I really want to get away for a weekend all on my own, maybe go pitch a tent out somewhere. Then I just want to be.

be

be alone but not alone

exist

soak in water like a sponge

quiet

listen for His still, small voice

I am learning and have much to learn.

Where there is freedom, there is bondage.

Where there is love, there is pain.

Where there is sacrifice, there is new life.

Though suffering, you may have done nothing wrong.

No matter what the cause of the suffering, there is always the opportunity for healing.

What we are taught is the ending, is only the beginning.

Where there is a box to define, there are limitless definitions.

Where there are limitless definitions, there is a box to define.

Where irony abounds, the congruous adhesive of Life abound even more.

Where there is healing, there is hurt.

Though all I have just said is able to be twisted in every shape, form, and fashion, it is only understandable through one sense. And in that one sense, many senses abound.

OH THE IRONY OF IT ALL! HAHAHAHA....I am SO freed in body, mind, soul, spirit at this moment. May it continue ever more! Although I'm very new in all of what I'm experiencing, I am more than willing to share. Be forewarned it is deep and I may barely be able to form words to explain. It is all by the power of the Cross that I am seeing all my eyes are beholding.

I am learning new and glorious parts of life daily. There is so much for me to be unsure of. So much that can be debated. So much that is nothing as anyone has painted it as. Who is to say that there is one Way, but belief in the Way is not a simple matter by which simple definitions for Him are reached? I whole heartedly believe in the Way, but I cannot say that His Way is reached by a single, particular definition. I will not say it is reached by one single, particular definition.

In fact, there is so much I'm unsure of, but I am sure willing to learn. To dare. To be moved. To fight against the grain.

I am on a continual journey. I just hope I learn all from everything, everyone around me I can, as that is where He has placed me.

How much have we thought we know for sure, but it can be debated? All I know is I am but a sinner and His grace is my only hope!

It's Been a While

Wow! It's been a while since I've been able to take the time to sit and write. That makes me sad.

First of all, I haven't taken the time to write. Secondly, my computer crashed so I couldn't (and my roommates extra computer busted at the same time...HA!). Bummer. Now I have access to a comuter because my roomie was given a computer that someone had extra!

So....

Looking back I am realizing how much has happened in the past few months.

1) I have started my job as a medical assistant. I absolutely love my job! It makes me sooo sure of my desire and calling to be a nurse I'm fidgeting just to get there (and I'm sure I will complain when the homework starts to unfold on my desk). I have actually been pulled to Pediatrics for a day too and loved that! YAY! haha...I still have my days of not wanting to go to work from sheer laziness but I consider myself fortunate to find a job I love and enjoying work (for the most part).

2) My parents are going through one of the roughest times I have ever witnessed in my life. If you think about them PLEASE be praying. There is a lot of mayhem going on with the house they were building and it really hurts to watch them go through this. I know that whether or not the outcome is how we want it, God is in control and will make this all right (even if it means they have to wait until the other side of Heaven).

3) The new year has come and we're almost through 2 months of it! Crazy...I just can't believe how quickly time passes us. I wish I would catch up with that knowledge and truly live every day as though it were my last. Why can't we always take everything we know to heart? I think a lot of us would be very different if we really followed all that we know.

4) My sister, Lindsey, is 7 months pregnant!! I am extatic about being an aunt! Little Brayden Thomas March is growing healthily and is measuring larger than how far a long my sister is. Soon enough I'm going to actually be driving up there to see the new fam :) I don't think I could be any happier (ok...well I would be if they lived in the same city but that's just pulling my luck)!

5) I was able to visit with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins when they were down here. I really enjoy seeing them because we are really close with them and don't get to see them too often.

6) I have somehow managed to get TWO babies from two kingcakes (and of all the people to get it again: my second baby came out of a HUGE kingcake...I mean big enough for at least 25+ people). For all you who are not knowledgable on king cakes: the person who gets the baby, which is hidden inside the cake, must buy the next one. Go me!

That's about it...I have had some pretty hilarious stories since I've become a medical assistant but I don't feel like typing them all out right now.

Didn't Sign Up For This...But It Sure is Funny

So within the past few months of answering the phone at the clinic, I have heard a multitude of funny stories. However, sometimes people are so ridiculously comfortable they share strangely uncomfortable information.

I know that I'm working in the medical field, I just found it funny that people willingly share extremely personal information with someone who is just scheduling the appointment. I'm not the nurse who is working for the doctor they are visiting or a nurse yet at all. I just type in information, check it to make sure its correct and continue with setting up an appointment by stating dates of open appointments for their physician.

I have heard everything from "I have herpes...well at least I think I do" to "When it effects our sex life, you better know the hell I'm coming to that appointment" not to mention a multitude of other things.

I have to admit, as awkward as it is hearing those statements, I would much rather hear them to getting a phone call that a patient is deceased because usually an extremely close family member makes the call. I want to reach out and be there, take away their pain. You can hear it in their voice. The phone is so impersonal to find out such life changing information and try to work with a patient. Maybe it's better for them though.

Anyway, I'm curious as to what may happen once I start training with Dr. Jackson over in Dermatology. I'm extremely excited, know it will be a great experience, and help truly begin my journey in the medical field. As of this time next week, I will have begun training and I can't wait!

Stumblings

Okay...so since last night I've become addicted to Felicity. Needless to say I have spent the majority of my Saturday bumming out on the sofa.

Well...I'm watching it with Erin and since she's getting ready for this shower she's going to, I figured I'd continue to be a couch potato and just search some stuff online....you know being bored and all. Here is what I found:

neatorama

pretty neat (no pun intended) website if you ask me. But what really caught my eye, was this random one I found when I did a image search on google:

hot jazz

Just thought I would share :) Enjoy the workings from being a bum :)

Allergies Oh Allergies

haha...So after many years of fighting allergies, I finally gave in and had myself tested. I've known for a long time that I'm allergic to many many things, but I was too stubborn when I was younger to ever be dragged into an allergist for testing and then the ever fatal weekly shots.

But after suffering for 22 years and working at a clinic, I finally decided what could it hurt? right? The worst that could really happen is I find out that it wasn't allergies and have to be tested for something else...or to find I was allergic to everything they test me for.

Let me just say that is the most torturous 15 minute wait of my entire life. After they put all the different syrum on me and then scratched my back (pricked it or something with a needle...not scratch as in scratching an itch), I think it took about 2 seconds before my back was raging at me for allowing someone to put all that stuff on it.

The nurse finally walks back in and starts "ooooo"ing at the whelps I have on my back. I was allergic a lot of stuff....mostly things I already knew. What I did learn is that when people are allergic to dust its to the mites not the dust itself. I also learned that if you're allergic to one cat you're allergic to them all but just because you're allergic to dog dander doesn't mean you're allergic to all dogs (I mean I kind of figured, I guess I was just affirmed in what I thought). So dog's like Golden Retrievers and other types of dogs are no good.

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Today I finished the second book of the Twilight series. And I think they're good books...but I'm not obsessed with them like everyone thought I would be. Everyone thought I would go ape nuts over Edward Cullen...the absolute perfect guy...so perfect it's fake. It's sad and happy to me. Call me crazy because the reason I think it's sad and happy are on polar opposited ends of a spectrum.

I think it's sad because so many young girls are going to read that and become brain washed, wishing and hoping that one day they will have a guy like him who is so in love with them and will go to all ends of the world and love her extravegantly. And not that guys don't love girls and not that they won't go out on limbs to love that one special person, but they're human, destined to fail, desperately in need of love and forgiveness just as every girl is.

But then it made me happy, because just for a second, that weird twist to make a person inhuman, his undying love, reminded me of exactly how Christ wants to love us and does if we will only let him. He wants to be our everything, the fire that burns the wood brightly but never causes the wood to completely ash, always able to ever glow.

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I have to go beat down the doors of OLOL...okay so I won't actually beat the doors down but I'm tired of this mail not ever getting to me. They told me they had mailed me a letter concerning whether or not I had been accepted. But I never received it. So on Friday (that's when I was talking with some guy in admissions), I was told they would print another one and mail another one to me. I figured they would get that done ASAP and I would have something in my hands by now....still no letter. So tomorrow, I walk in that admissions office and ask they either tell me, or they print one off and hand it to me in the office...otherwise I'm going to make some crazy payment from them such as they need to pay me for all the problems they've caused (wish it would work that way :D).

In Thought and Gut

I'm feeling extremely morose. I've been feeling this way for several days now and it just doesn't make sense.

I mean...I know that part of it was brought on by the depth of emotion I've connected with in the music I've been listening to lately: Gavin Degraw, Matt Wertz, Dave Barnes. Even some of Jason Mraz's stuff.

But I feel like its more...seriously, can music make you feel like your guts are about to spill on the pavement and when they do all you can do is aimlessly attempt to save yourself before your heart stops because your lungs can no longer provide that vital vacuuming in air and pushing it out? Not to mention the loss of blood...

And I've had some deep thoughts and convos with God lately...but somehow I feel its more than just the connection with revelations he's given me lately.

I don't even think it's brought on by the hard times I've been in since I moved down here. Don't get me wrong, life is good considering I'm breathing and God has provided my every need, but it's just been rough. A low point. A time where I've realized there are things in my life I've never had (and I'm not talking not being in the top percentage of the inaccessibly rich or a desire for possessions or ineffaceable beauty). I am almost certain it is not these realizations and trials that are causing this moroseness to settle deep within my core because God has graciously granted me ineradicable joy. Not happiness, that which vanishes, but JOY!

And yet, I still sit in puzzlement as my being seems wrapped into bleak sorrow.

Can this even be possible? To feel so bleak and yet be in possession of the greatest emotion God has granted us: joy?

I guess it's what James meant when he said, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)

Maybe I wasn't meant to understand this. Or maybe I was meant to go through this without understanding and later would look back on it, able to see exactly what this produced in me.

Even if that's the case, it doesn't diminish the frustrations that come with being in this place. But I know that God will pull me through this and I will be changed, whether or not I know it.

The Searth Within Oneself Can Be Crazy

I feel so lost. So tired. At the end of my rope. I guess I'm physically worn because I'm not sleeping well. And my spirit just seems to be lost in this web of utter confusion.

I'm never able to get out of the confusion because it's like this vacuum craving to know more and understand more but never is filled.

Not to mention I'm not challenged by my job and even though I know I'm where I'm supposed to be it's getting really boring pulling files everyday. My brain was created to hold knowledge that is more dense. Not "find file # 4607800-03. check it out to DR289. place on cart to bring to doctor..." etc. on a daily basis. I know what I do is vital to the clinic...but it's just so boring.

And to top it off...I don't have an instrument I can practice on at home. Plus, it would be hard to practice at home anyway because I have roommates (well...at least I think it will be roommates soon) who I need and want to consider.

Lesson learned from all this: listen to God the first time He tells you to do something. I could be in China right now on medical missions or somewhere else as a traveling nurse or even over in Africa for a short term medical missions had I listened the first time.

Not that I don't love the people here in Baton Rouge, because I have made more friends down here who are amazing and complete blessings from God. And not that I don't like Baton Rouge, on the contrary. I would have been down here 4 years earlier! I know that it happened the way it did because of choices I made and that it wasn't bad. It just wasn't BEST.

Love: The Promise of Pain

"Ironically, Jesus was crucified not in spite of His love, but because of it. Somehow love incited both love and hate with equal force...
Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is Love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering."-- The Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus

I am blown away by this statement! WOW! I never took the time to think about how love drove God and Christ to the ultimate sacrifice. Or even that His love led Him through the most pain anyone could ever undergo.

I guess where I'm really going with this is that I normally think of loving someone as being the greatest thing I could possibly bestow on someone and that would mean they are going to love me in return, not hurt me, want to take care of me as I would of them (and I am by no means stating that I am perfect in this...I definitely come short of truly loving someone...anyone). (dang this isn't coming out how I would want it to at all....hopefully you can follow me)

I don't normally equate love with pain. I don't normally think, "When I love this person and give my all that I am capable of, I am going to be hurt." But that is what happens. Maybe not all the time, but frequently the ones you love hurt you. They say things that bring pain, they lie, they cheat, they leave you for someone else. The list could contain a million possibilities and still not be complete.

And that list has been endured by Christ to the fullest extent: He bore all betrayals to the worst of the worst on the cross all because He wanted us to have a relationship with God. He knew that loving would mean ultimate pain.

I think we see and know this when we read of Christ's sacrifice but what is funny is that we say we are willing and ready to follow Him but don't think about how much we really have to lose (according to this world). We don't prepare ourselves for the rejection that is bound to take place so that He may be glorified and that His love may abound. And even many times, it is the rejection that plants the first seed necessary for God's work to abound even more (not that God can't do it on His own, it is just the method He has chosen [thank you God! may I and those following you not take this blessing lightly]).

You know, I'm not sure I'm comprehending this 100% as I'm typing out my thoughts so there are probably many gaps and I'm not sure I have the ability to type it all out so...maybe I should recommend you read The Barbarian Way (I recommend it even if God does give me the words for this post) because it definitely opens up ideas that I think many of us never take time to really soak up.

I know I run from the pain many times or take it as a sign that I've done something outside of God's will. I ask the question, many times, "Why God? Why so much pain if I'm following your will for my life? What am I doing wrong?" The irony of it is that I should be thanking Him, because many times the pain experienced is because I have begun to love someone only the way He gives me the ability to thus they have thus experienced God's love.

Ugh....I think I'm going to stop here for now because I feel as though I'm butchering this thought process and I really want it all to come out in a clear manner...if you have any thoughts on this please feel free to comment!