In Thought and Gut

I'm feeling extremely morose. I've been feeling this way for several days now and it just doesn't make sense.

I mean...I know that part of it was brought on by the depth of emotion I've connected with in the music I've been listening to lately: Gavin Degraw, Matt Wertz, Dave Barnes. Even some of Jason Mraz's stuff.

But I feel like its more...seriously, can music make you feel like your guts are about to spill on the pavement and when they do all you can do is aimlessly attempt to save yourself before your heart stops because your lungs can no longer provide that vital vacuuming in air and pushing it out? Not to mention the loss of blood...

And I've had some deep thoughts and convos with God lately...but somehow I feel its more than just the connection with revelations he's given me lately.

I don't even think it's brought on by the hard times I've been in since I moved down here. Don't get me wrong, life is good considering I'm breathing and God has provided my every need, but it's just been rough. A low point. A time where I've realized there are things in my life I've never had (and I'm not talking not being in the top percentage of the inaccessibly rich or a desire for possessions or ineffaceable beauty). I am almost certain it is not these realizations and trials that are causing this moroseness to settle deep within my core because God has graciously granted me ineradicable joy. Not happiness, that which vanishes, but JOY!

And yet, I still sit in puzzlement as my being seems wrapped into bleak sorrow.

Can this even be possible? To feel so bleak and yet be in possession of the greatest emotion God has granted us: joy?

I guess it's what James meant when he said, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)

Maybe I wasn't meant to understand this. Or maybe I was meant to go through this without understanding and later would look back on it, able to see exactly what this produced in me.

Even if that's the case, it doesn't diminish the frustrations that come with being in this place. But I know that God will pull me through this and I will be changed, whether or not I know it.

The Searth Within Oneself Can Be Crazy

I feel so lost. So tired. At the end of my rope. I guess I'm physically worn because I'm not sleeping well. And my spirit just seems to be lost in this web of utter confusion.

I'm never able to get out of the confusion because it's like this vacuum craving to know more and understand more but never is filled.

Not to mention I'm not challenged by my job and even though I know I'm where I'm supposed to be it's getting really boring pulling files everyday. My brain was created to hold knowledge that is more dense. Not "find file # 4607800-03. check it out to DR289. place on cart to bring to doctor..." etc. on a daily basis. I know what I do is vital to the clinic...but it's just so boring.

And to top it off...I don't have an instrument I can practice on at home. Plus, it would be hard to practice at home anyway because I have roommates (well...at least I think it will be roommates soon) who I need and want to consider.

Lesson learned from all this: listen to God the first time He tells you to do something. I could be in China right now on medical missions or somewhere else as a traveling nurse or even over in Africa for a short term medical missions had I listened the first time.

Not that I don't love the people here in Baton Rouge, because I have made more friends down here who are amazing and complete blessings from God. And not that I don't like Baton Rouge, on the contrary. I would have been down here 4 years earlier! I know that it happened the way it did because of choices I made and that it wasn't bad. It just wasn't BEST.