Didn't Sign Up For This...But It Sure is Funny

So within the past few months of answering the phone at the clinic, I have heard a multitude of funny stories. However, sometimes people are so ridiculously comfortable they share strangely uncomfortable information.

I know that I'm working in the medical field, I just found it funny that people willingly share extremely personal information with someone who is just scheduling the appointment. I'm not the nurse who is working for the doctor they are visiting or a nurse yet at all. I just type in information, check it to make sure its correct and continue with setting up an appointment by stating dates of open appointments for their physician.

I have heard everything from "I have herpes...well at least I think I do" to "When it effects our sex life, you better know the hell I'm coming to that appointment" not to mention a multitude of other things.

I have to admit, as awkward as it is hearing those statements, I would much rather hear them to getting a phone call that a patient is deceased because usually an extremely close family member makes the call. I want to reach out and be there, take away their pain. You can hear it in their voice. The phone is so impersonal to find out such life changing information and try to work with a patient. Maybe it's better for them though.

Anyway, I'm curious as to what may happen once I start training with Dr. Jackson over in Dermatology. I'm extremely excited, know it will be a great experience, and help truly begin my journey in the medical field. As of this time next week, I will have begun training and I can't wait!

Stumblings

Okay...so since last night I've become addicted to Felicity. Needless to say I have spent the majority of my Saturday bumming out on the sofa.

Well...I'm watching it with Erin and since she's getting ready for this shower she's going to, I figured I'd continue to be a couch potato and just search some stuff online....you know being bored and all. Here is what I found:

neatorama

pretty neat (no pun intended) website if you ask me. But what really caught my eye, was this random one I found when I did a image search on google:

hot jazz

Just thought I would share :) Enjoy the workings from being a bum :)

Allergies Oh Allergies

haha...So after many years of fighting allergies, I finally gave in and had myself tested. I've known for a long time that I'm allergic to many many things, but I was too stubborn when I was younger to ever be dragged into an allergist for testing and then the ever fatal weekly shots.

But after suffering for 22 years and working at a clinic, I finally decided what could it hurt? right? The worst that could really happen is I find out that it wasn't allergies and have to be tested for something else...or to find I was allergic to everything they test me for.

Let me just say that is the most torturous 15 minute wait of my entire life. After they put all the different syrum on me and then scratched my back (pricked it or something with a needle...not scratch as in scratching an itch), I think it took about 2 seconds before my back was raging at me for allowing someone to put all that stuff on it.

The nurse finally walks back in and starts "ooooo"ing at the whelps I have on my back. I was allergic a lot of stuff....mostly things I already knew. What I did learn is that when people are allergic to dust its to the mites not the dust itself. I also learned that if you're allergic to one cat you're allergic to them all but just because you're allergic to dog dander doesn't mean you're allergic to all dogs (I mean I kind of figured, I guess I was just affirmed in what I thought). So dog's like Golden Retrievers and other types of dogs are no good.

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Today I finished the second book of the Twilight series. And I think they're good books...but I'm not obsessed with them like everyone thought I would be. Everyone thought I would go ape nuts over Edward Cullen...the absolute perfect guy...so perfect it's fake. It's sad and happy to me. Call me crazy because the reason I think it's sad and happy are on polar opposited ends of a spectrum.

I think it's sad because so many young girls are going to read that and become brain washed, wishing and hoping that one day they will have a guy like him who is so in love with them and will go to all ends of the world and love her extravegantly. And not that guys don't love girls and not that they won't go out on limbs to love that one special person, but they're human, destined to fail, desperately in need of love and forgiveness just as every girl is.

But then it made me happy, because just for a second, that weird twist to make a person inhuman, his undying love, reminded me of exactly how Christ wants to love us and does if we will only let him. He wants to be our everything, the fire that burns the wood brightly but never causes the wood to completely ash, always able to ever glow.

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I have to go beat down the doors of OLOL...okay so I won't actually beat the doors down but I'm tired of this mail not ever getting to me. They told me they had mailed me a letter concerning whether or not I had been accepted. But I never received it. So on Friday (that's when I was talking with some guy in admissions), I was told they would print another one and mail another one to me. I figured they would get that done ASAP and I would have something in my hands by now....still no letter. So tomorrow, I walk in that admissions office and ask they either tell me, or they print one off and hand it to me in the office...otherwise I'm going to make some crazy payment from them such as they need to pay me for all the problems they've caused (wish it would work that way :D).

In Thought and Gut

I'm feeling extremely morose. I've been feeling this way for several days now and it just doesn't make sense.

I mean...I know that part of it was brought on by the depth of emotion I've connected with in the music I've been listening to lately: Gavin Degraw, Matt Wertz, Dave Barnes. Even some of Jason Mraz's stuff.

But I feel like its more...seriously, can music make you feel like your guts are about to spill on the pavement and when they do all you can do is aimlessly attempt to save yourself before your heart stops because your lungs can no longer provide that vital vacuuming in air and pushing it out? Not to mention the loss of blood...

And I've had some deep thoughts and convos with God lately...but somehow I feel its more than just the connection with revelations he's given me lately.

I don't even think it's brought on by the hard times I've been in since I moved down here. Don't get me wrong, life is good considering I'm breathing and God has provided my every need, but it's just been rough. A low point. A time where I've realized there are things in my life I've never had (and I'm not talking not being in the top percentage of the inaccessibly rich or a desire for possessions or ineffaceable beauty). I am almost certain it is not these realizations and trials that are causing this moroseness to settle deep within my core because God has graciously granted me ineradicable joy. Not happiness, that which vanishes, but JOY!

And yet, I still sit in puzzlement as my being seems wrapped into bleak sorrow.

Can this even be possible? To feel so bleak and yet be in possession of the greatest emotion God has granted us: joy?

I guess it's what James meant when he said, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)

Maybe I wasn't meant to understand this. Or maybe I was meant to go through this without understanding and later would look back on it, able to see exactly what this produced in me.

Even if that's the case, it doesn't diminish the frustrations that come with being in this place. But I know that God will pull me through this and I will be changed, whether or not I know it.

The Searth Within Oneself Can Be Crazy

I feel so lost. So tired. At the end of my rope. I guess I'm physically worn because I'm not sleeping well. And my spirit just seems to be lost in this web of utter confusion.

I'm never able to get out of the confusion because it's like this vacuum craving to know more and understand more but never is filled.

Not to mention I'm not challenged by my job and even though I know I'm where I'm supposed to be it's getting really boring pulling files everyday. My brain was created to hold knowledge that is more dense. Not "find file # 4607800-03. check it out to DR289. place on cart to bring to doctor..." etc. on a daily basis. I know what I do is vital to the clinic...but it's just so boring.

And to top it off...I don't have an instrument I can practice on at home. Plus, it would be hard to practice at home anyway because I have roommates (well...at least I think it will be roommates soon) who I need and want to consider.

Lesson learned from all this: listen to God the first time He tells you to do something. I could be in China right now on medical missions or somewhere else as a traveling nurse or even over in Africa for a short term medical missions had I listened the first time.

Not that I don't love the people here in Baton Rouge, because I have made more friends down here who are amazing and complete blessings from God. And not that I don't like Baton Rouge, on the contrary. I would have been down here 4 years earlier! I know that it happened the way it did because of choices I made and that it wasn't bad. It just wasn't BEST.

Love: The Promise of Pain

"Ironically, Jesus was crucified not in spite of His love, but because of it. Somehow love incited both love and hate with equal force...
Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is Love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering."-- The Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus

I am blown away by this statement! WOW! I never took the time to think about how love drove God and Christ to the ultimate sacrifice. Or even that His love led Him through the most pain anyone could ever undergo.

I guess where I'm really going with this is that I normally think of loving someone as being the greatest thing I could possibly bestow on someone and that would mean they are going to love me in return, not hurt me, want to take care of me as I would of them (and I am by no means stating that I am perfect in this...I definitely come short of truly loving someone...anyone). (dang this isn't coming out how I would want it to at all....hopefully you can follow me)

I don't normally equate love with pain. I don't normally think, "When I love this person and give my all that I am capable of, I am going to be hurt." But that is what happens. Maybe not all the time, but frequently the ones you love hurt you. They say things that bring pain, they lie, they cheat, they leave you for someone else. The list could contain a million possibilities and still not be complete.

And that list has been endured by Christ to the fullest extent: He bore all betrayals to the worst of the worst on the cross all because He wanted us to have a relationship with God. He knew that loving would mean ultimate pain.

I think we see and know this when we read of Christ's sacrifice but what is funny is that we say we are willing and ready to follow Him but don't think about how much we really have to lose (according to this world). We don't prepare ourselves for the rejection that is bound to take place so that He may be glorified and that His love may abound. And even many times, it is the rejection that plants the first seed necessary for God's work to abound even more (not that God can't do it on His own, it is just the method He has chosen [thank you God! may I and those following you not take this blessing lightly]).

You know, I'm not sure I'm comprehending this 100% as I'm typing out my thoughts so there are probably many gaps and I'm not sure I have the ability to type it all out so...maybe I should recommend you read The Barbarian Way (I recommend it even if God does give me the words for this post) because it definitely opens up ideas that I think many of us never take time to really soak up.

I know I run from the pain many times or take it as a sign that I've done something outside of God's will. I ask the question, many times, "Why God? Why so much pain if I'm following your will for my life? What am I doing wrong?" The irony of it is that I should be thanking Him, because many times the pain experienced is because I have begun to love someone only the way He gives me the ability to thus they have thus experienced God's love.

Ugh....I think I'm going to stop here for now because I feel as though I'm butchering this thought process and I really want it all to come out in a clear manner...if you have any thoughts on this please feel free to comment!

Is it Possible for Your Mind to Float Away?

I'm not even kidding...is it possible?

Okay...seriously I just am overpowered by God's goodness in my life right now and struggling to grasp that home is now going to be where I make it...so really when you call home that building you go to...is that really the home?

This kind of takes me to many different places. The first being that you grow up (okay the past 12 years for me...so in my most moldable [not a word? oh well :)] stage in life) calling this thing, object made of wood, cement, brick and whatever other building materials people find in these days home. but then what happens when you move away from that? I think it has helped me to see that really home isn't in a building.

You hear (at least I know I have) the saying "home is where your heart is" a lot in American culture (correct me if I'm wrong, I just know that I hear people saying it quite a bit). I never stopped to think of how true that statement is until I was overcome with sadness for my family who is struggling with the move. We've never been split up by such long distances before and now all but my older sister and my brother-in-law are going to be down here in the big BR.

But then I got to thinking: we might have built a home up in AR but if they are capable of rebuilding it and the dynamics changing a bit due to me getting older and linds and drew being in north west AR then really home is the family unit we have functioned under and seen persevere through change, grow, and learn to love one another more as Christ would through trials and joyous occasions. So really home is what you make it, its defined by where you feel free to vent and be yourself and here it's only a glimpse of the real home awaiting you when you have a relationship with God.

And I know some people would say their home life is really crappy and for some of them I would have to agree. But then how much better will it be for them to enjoy what God has in store if they have the desire to fall more deeply in love with Christ?

mmm...I think I'm off to fathom this concept....

Scars

scars burn bright
the present bleeds
pain numbs to help facades
masks they hide
the hideous fear
and inset of reality

scars they scab
and with them bring
a dejavu filled life
all memories gone
helps hide the past
to live with eyes wide closed

scars they pink
with painful pulls
to open the sealed shut
to bring forth sight
to painful pasts
revealing behind the mask

scars remind
of where you've been
of all that's molded you
the searing pain
the aching past
the fire you've passed through

scars they show
all you are
and could possibly become
embrace the aches
live through the pains
keep your candle shining bright

Cute Cute Cute

Okay...at work today I saw probably one of the cutest situations unfold...EVER!

okay okay...let me tell you...

I had just gotten off the elevator when I was on my run to pick up files. Normally nothing interesting occurs seeing as it's just the lobby and I don't have time to sit and watch people (wow...I sound like a creeper but I'm sure a lot of people can identify with finding it interesting seeing how different people go about there day and their reactions to what their paths cross. right? ya catching my drift?). But the second I got off the elevator, I saw this cute old couple. The man was in his motorized chair and his wife was standing next too him looking at him with the most heart-felt "I love you" look in her eyes. What happened next was the sweetest and cutest situation I have ever come across:

She leaned down and gave him the most love-filled, years of trials and rainbows kiss I've ever seen an old couple give one another. It was adorable! It wasn't inappropriate for public but you could just tell they really LOVED one another.

It was heartfelt.

It was passion.

It was years of walking through fire together.

It was...what God designed it to be...at least that's what it spoke to me.

It makes me happy that I'm just falling more in love with Love Himself right now and that, should His will be it, I will marry a man one day in my future and when we've been together 10, 20, 30, 50, a kajillion years :) we will have grown more in love every day :)

But for now..I have the bestest of all of them. And He loves me all the time, no matter what and mmm...it is UHMAZING you guys! I wish everyone would allow God to love Him the way I can feel Him loving me right now. Trusting in Him has been the scariest, best thing I think I've ever done in my entire life. And I am learning and falling and becoming more in love with my Beloved every day! mMmMm FOREVAH!

Stuck

You know how you get that wierd sensation when food gets caught in your throat? I'm constantly feeling like that on a daily basis currently...I've been feeling like that for a few months now. Except the only problem is the feeling has nothing to do with food and everything with theological questions and questioning my faith because I feel like I'm missing a fundamental part. I feel like I have been trapped in a box with what people around me have told me for so long I can't even hear my own thoughts towards what has been taught.

I know I think the church has been stuck in a rut of check list after check list that is necessary to have "faith". But I don't agree.

What happened to a relationship with Christ? What happened to just wanting to spend time with Him (and not being told how, why, when, where, etc. you have to spend time with him)? What happened to showing Him to others just by loving them rather than trying to force some five step process that has to be reckoned with to believe (anyone can believe some five fundamentals to a belief system without living by them anyway)?

I kind of feel like I'm caught in a circle. I was at this place two or three months ago, never really left it, never really found a place where I could dig deeper, and still feel like I really don't have much time to dig deeper or even know where to start. I don't know where to start because everything I have been taught was "right" won't keep it's mouth shut long enough for me to dig into what is really true. I feel like if I could finally hear just what I was thinking for a few seconds, a billion questions would burst forth I might actually start getting somewhere and the "food" might unlodge from my throat.

It's not that I think the church has it all wrong. I definitely think it can bring something to the table. I just think it has taken what it was given and made it more complex and off the road in comparison to what it is supposed to be. I don't have the answers or even claim to know exactly where to find them...I just know I can't shake this lodged feeling in my throat and churning in my stomach produced by the "truth" preached today and what I am learning through a few different books and through my time with Christ.

I'm beginning to think that Satan is working his hardest to make everyone have to join the work force and never leave because in these days and times, everyone does what they can to keep busy. And those who try to have a life and be able to sit back and relax can't because they're under the thumb of their authorities who tell them to keep working, keep producing, keep the economy running. I swear the economy is going to crash and this world that has run on "busy, busy, busy, sleep (wait...what is that?)" won't know what to do with itself.

I'm a week from permanently joining the work force and already find with my temporary job I just left on Friday, I have no time for anything because by the time I'm finished with work, all my body has energy to do is sleep. I'm going to have to start finding ways to make myself stay awake just so I can research, just so I can read, just so I can relax and finally start answering questions for myself so I can silence, once and for all, the voices of mediocrity.

Nothing Like What I Dreamed...Perhaps Better :)

I feel old...too old. This growing up thing is not what I imagined it to be when I was a child. Not at all. It's hard yet fun. It's tiring but enjoyable when you find your knack. But it's still not what I dreamed it to be.

I guess that would be the problem: I dreamed it to be fantastic, amazing, can't-wait-to-get-there.

I don't know if I would rather take back the innocence and absence of heavy responsibility from my childhood or prefer to know that my hard work and sweat is what is keeping me going. That I am making an impact in this world even when no one else sees it. Of course I would love to take back my ability to sleep well...maybe it's just the change.

I have thoroughly enjoyed meeting all the people I did through my job at BREC. Not to mention when we hang out we're usually riding horses. I swear I'm going to own one someday. I know they're a huge responsibility but I would rather have a horse over a dog any day (but I'm going to have a dog too!). As long as I can remember, I've always wanted a horse. I've always wanted to be around horses. I've never not wanted one. And that includes after being bucked off a horse (it's actually really fun! just extremely dangerous too!). When a horse gallops is the essence of free spirit to me, not a care in the world. I guess the equivilent of free spirit that I can achieve on my own is skiing...maybe I need to move to the snow covered Rockies where I can own some land and have a few horses on it (God will you please give me a job for that?!). haha...

I'm going to miss seeing those people every day but at least I know we will all chill on occasion. Hopefully, my permanent job will have just as great if not a better environment as I've had with all my friends at BREC.

Bitter Sweet of Moving and Still Making Memories

I'm sad. My family is spending the last weekend together in Arkansas that all of us will be together. I know we will get together, but it just won't be the same. And the frequency will no longer be at least once if not twice a month.

I don't really see my family ever being together in the same city or extremely close to one another anymore. If Linds and Drew ever move it will be far off, I won't be moving anywhere close if I am ever called out of Baton Rouge (not to mention I have no desire to ever move back to Arkansas), and if my parents move there aren't many states they will be moved to because of where Entergy is. This disheartens me. It makes me want to rewind and be able to capture what we've had and keep it this way. It makes me want to stop what is going on in all our lives and keep it at a standstill.

But then I know that I'm interfering with God's plans which only screws everyone over. Plus, when you leave things at a standstill they become dull, stale, grown over with muck like a nasty pond that doesn't see rain or any new source of water for weeks. Or you try to control things that cannot be controlled. Sure, you can try but you have no way to really control it so you only become upset when the bumps, the turns, the disturbances occur in the "perfect plan". And when you do let go and give God control (HA! of what He already had under wraps anyway), you find a peace that wouldn't be there otherwise. You may still have unpleasantries staring you in the face or trials laughing as you suffer; excuse me, you will have unpleasantries and trials beat you down until you think you're no longer able to hold together but despite those you find a strength and peace that does not belong to you. And because it is not of this world you withstand that which comes your way.
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I guess you could say I'm angry. I don't really know why I'm telling everyone this, but if I hold it in I will allow it to fester and not focus on all the great things that are occurring in my life (and let me tell you, God is working a lot of amazingness).

So I'm going to get this out.

It's stupid really. I mean, I don't have reason to be angry considering this is exactly where God wants me. But I am.

I'm angry that right when I'm moving there are people I was starting to get close to. I was finally connecting in a city I've lived 12 years and made very few permanent connections. I think there are a total of 3 people I've met and kept in touch with (in more than a passing connection) for longer than 3 years.

I'm angry that right when I was finally going to have godly people I could plug into a bible study with and ACTUALLY grow closer to them I'm being called down to Louisiana. I've been in my fair share of studies and small groups, and never connected with any of the girls on more than a passing basis. I don't know why we didn't, but for some reason I just never connected heart-to-heart with any of them.

I'm angry that when I'm starting to get closer to my older sister and my brother-in-law is finally home, they're having to stay up in Fayetteville. It's just not the same when you live over 7 hours away from someone. She will always be my sister and he will always be an adopted big bro, but it's harder to get close to someone when you live so far away.

And although it's not really an anger issue I'm dealing with when it comes to the next uncomfortableness I am experiencing, I'm ecstatic yet apprehensive about moving out on my own. It's scary and the world is not a friendly place. I guess I'm more frustrated just because of the time I've spent in a degree that, as great as it is, there isn't much of it I will be using. And finding a job is not easy. Not when your degree is so specific that it doesn't help you get a job in really anything but a desk job. And it's not that I'm not okay with that, but I can't even find a desk job.
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Fortunately, getting that out helps and I have a lot to be thankful for.

First and foremost, is God's hand completely over my circumstances. They are not 100% easy to go through, but they're not terrible and I can already see Him at work and am excited to see exactly what He has in store.

I'm excited to say that my living situation has completely panned out. It was up in the air as to whether or not I was going to be able to move in with Erin, but as we both prayed and everyone around us prayed, God showed us exactly what He wanted. It was awesome (haha...and REALLY hard) to wait on His timing, but as we did He showed us that He wanted us to live together. And yet again, He proved Himself and showed how much better it is when you wait on Him. We're still praying for another roommate, but I know that in His time everything is going to work out. I have to say that Erin is amazing! I'm so excited about getting to know her better. God totally worked this out for the better and I know He has worked and will continue to work in our lives as we draw closer to Him and get to build our friendship.

God has also begun to work in my job situation. Although that is probably the hardest factor of what I'm currently going through with the move, I am not worrying because I know that God is going to pull me through this and will provide the right job (as long as I keep up my search), which will be the perfect fit.

I'm excited about all the people I've already met and will meet and will build relationships with. I definitely made friends up in Arkansas, but for some reason I've never felt so accepted and felt like I clicked with a group of people as I have already in Baton Rouge. Maybe it's too early to say this, but I just really feel like I'm actually going to click with people down here and build some really great friendships!

I think I'm actually going to click with the girls I will meet with for bible study too! Oddly enough, I have never been in a bible study with girls where I've clicked and really felt like I can be sincere. This may also be something I'm judging too early, but I'm still really excited about it and think I will get along with these girls more so than I ever have in a small group I've consistently met with.
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So last night, the sibs and I did something really funny...I'm going to keep this short because I have to go but these people have this weird thing where they have stones balanced out to make a pile of something...what I don't know. But anyway, we went and Jeff climbed out of the car, ran to the stones, pushed it over with his BUTT and ran back to the car. You would have had to be there, but it was HILARIOUS! It is much better in greater detail...maybe I will come fix this later.

Dang This City Has Grown!

Wow! I can't believe I'm here at all. I arrived in BR yesterday and still think I'm in total shock. I don't think I've really comprehended the fact that I've moved here, don't have hardly any of my belongings with me, and am starting life all over again.

It was crazy driving in and seeing things I remember (haha...especially things from when i was really little). For instance, I drove past the Millerville exit sign, remembered someone lived there only to find out I was the one living there when I was freakin 4 years old! SO crazy that I remember that street at all! I even drove past the spot I think I had a not so fun incident with hornets and remembered being there. Funny how although you might not think about it all the time, you store information and pull it out when you need to.

I don't think I'm going to have too hard a time figuring this city out considering I was driving around last night and pretty much remember everything I drove through.

I'm excited about meeting new people and making new friends. I'm actually excited about a summer job I have with BREC horse center! I will be getting paid to work with horses and kids...how sweet is that?! I'm probably going to find just another job that will support me...this is going to be crazy.

I will get to see old friends!! I'm definitely excited about that.

I just still am in disbelief that I'm making a new life in my hometown. It's definitely strange to come back after not being here in over 7 years.

Just Follow Me...

Okay, so there really isn't a single thought process I'm going through currently that will tie this all together...maybe I will by the end of it, but that's not my goal. I'm just putting thoughts out there.

I guess I kind of want to start with several really good quotes I came across while reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller:

"Humans, as a species, are constantly, and in every way, comparing themselves to one another, which, given the brief nature of their existence, seems an oddity and, for that matter, a waste. Nevertheless, this is the driving influence behind every human's social development, their emotional health and sense of joy, and, sadly, their greatest tragedies. It is as though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pining for that missing thing in all sorts of odd methods, none of which are working. The greater tragedy is that very few people understand they have the disease. To be sure, it is killing them, and yet sustaining their social and economic systems. They are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem." (here he is writing his thoughts out as though he were an alien :) I love the way this guy writes)

"In this way [he states prior to this 'it feels like you are going to die unless you get some kind of respect and appreciation'], the alien was right; we are comparing ourselves to one another and if somebody says they are better than you, it makes you very frustrated inside and you get sad or angry or bitter about it."

"What if, in the same way the sun feeds plants, God's glory gives us life? What if our value exists because God takes pleasure in us?...What if when we are with God, we feel that we have glory, we feel His love for us and know, in a way infinitely more satisfying than a parent's love or a lover's love, that we matter?"

"What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about [anything]...we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator."

So those are just a few of some amazing quotes written in the pages of Miller's book. He has such an uncanny way of pulling you away from religion and bringing you back to the fundamentals of a relationship and the reality of what the beliefs encompassed by Christianity really meant and should still mean today. This really was something I was already working my way into deeper understanding of what I believed but wanted proof for and answers for. It has also brought me into deeper questioning.

One of the thoughts I have had a lot lately is the way we allow ourselves to be driven by acceptance. For each person it revolves around a certain group or "type" of people. Everyone wants to know they are important to someone, to know they are liked, loved even. Who a person seeks that acceptance from varies by culture, personality, social status, and a variety of other factors but they will nevertheless go through different lengths to attain that feeling of being loved. Funny enough, for most of us it really is a fake "acceptance". We buy our way into organizations or act a certain way to fit in; sometimes it requires the right clothing or dating the correct people. It's a shallow form of filling this unexplainable, love-hungry void each person has. What would happen if we would learn that everyone is striving for this and could learn to love...really love?

I guess that really is a hope I have but realize it is unattainable because for that to happen, everyone would have to allow their eyes to be opened and believe in Christ and God, as what we know from creation and the bible.

And honestly, the only way to fill that desire for pure love is to have a relationship with God Himself. He is the only one who can love perfectly. He was the one who created that need in us so that hopefully, we would realize He is the one who can fill that need and we would enter a relationship with Him, for He is a relational God.

Mmmm...off track but another thought I have had is I have been faced with the realization, a lot lately, that you are not promised anything in this life. Not the next minute. Not tomorrow. Not a life without sorrow. Not happiness 24:7. Not wealth or a home or...ANYTHING! Life doesn't sit around waiting on you and let you tell it when you're ready to go. It doesn't promise that when you go places you're going to come back alive...(ironic I've been thinking this because God completely spared my brother and one of his friends their lives the other night....THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!).

How different would my life be if I actually started living by the principle that each minute is my last? How different would my thoughts be? How would I choose to spend my time? How would I choose to speak at each moment I open my mouth?

.......

I guess I'm doing a lot of heavy thinking.

Death Has Made Its Appointment With You...There is No Escape

Although I have not personally been faced with the loss of a person close to me, I have recently had to watch my little sister go through the loss of someone in her class at school. There is something about death that eludes me. It just isn't able to be grasped. It is depressing. It is somber. It is humbling. It is painful. And yet I still don't understand it.

It takes all the breath you have and leaves you suspended, gasping for more, hoping you will come out above what you thought might be taking your last. It isn't something anyone can wrap their minds around. One minute you have the person with you and the next you will never be able to tell them you love them. You will never be able to create another memory. You will never have another heart to heart conversation with them. No more plans with them. No more memories. No more photos. Nothing. You have what you were given and can no longer add to the ever growing list.

I think most of the time, we live like death will never come to visit us. We don't think about what kind of a legacy we want to leave, and some people don't leave a legacy because they lived as though there is no end. We don't think about how we want to be remembered when Death has finally come to take us by the hand and walk us through its door. Well, we don't live in that place. At least I know I don't.

I have spent much time thinking about how I want people to remember me, what I want them to do when I'm gone. But I don't spend every second of my day thinking about that and letting it drive me forward. Why I don't, I can't answer because I think it would probably be the wisest way to live. We are only human and thus are limited and will make mistakes. I just hope the longer I live, the more I will live this journey in a way that I am thinking about what I want to leave behind me when my time is up. I won't be here, and there will be material objects, but I want more than that to be left behind.

I want people to have been impacted by me. I want to have helped those younger than me achieve all they have the potential to be and then reach beyond that as they strive for excellence. I want those who have come in contact with me to remember me as someone who was vibrant, full of life, and brought joy into other's lives. I want them to remember me as someone who lived not for myself but for others. I know it's a lot to ask of oneself, but that really is what I want to be remembered as. I guess because I won't be here to find out if that's how I'm remembered, all I can do is live my best every day striving to be all that I was made to be: a light to others; a beacon of hope in a world full of sorrow; salt amongst the bland complacency we live amongst.

Holy Cow!

Oh my goodness! Where has time gone? I think it tends to elude me considering I walk this Saturday but I feel like I'm supposed to be starting high school or something of that sort soon. And unfortunately, that's eight years behind where I am...why do I feel so young and yet I'm supposed to be an 'adult' now?

You know that brings back memories from when I was little and all I wanted was to be older. Everyone told me to wait, I would be there soon enough and I never believed them. Now I sit here looking back on my past four years of college and wonder what is two feet in front of me in this upcoming year. I know a lot of change ensues but a lot of the change that will happen I am not certain of as of this moment.

I know my family is moving to Baton Rouge.

I know that I am going to be on my own.

I know that I am looking for a job and I don't want to be a music teacher in the school system.

Okay...so ADD moment...but that brings me to wondering why we can be so good at something to the point that everyone around you tells you how great you're going to be at your new job (I just chuckle to myself knowing that I won't be doing what they think I will) and yet you just don't want to be there. You don't like it, you can't enjoy it. You might enjoy the people, or in my case you might love the kids, but you hate the job. I know I like working with kids: I love teaching piano lessons. But I have had the hardest time working up a desire to go to school everyday and tried my hardest to like it, but I can't. I just don't. So why are we good at something and yet not wired for it at all? Does that make sense? It does to me and I don't feel like trying to explain myself again in one post...so that will just have to do for now. I guess that's one of those things we will never understand in our finite setting...

Anyway...back to the few knowns in my world of change...

Those are very few knowns in a world of a lot of unknown. And although it hasn't unnerved me at all, I'm beginning to get frustrated that so much is still not settled. The parts that could be are floating around my head taunting me as if they just want to watch me cave. I'm still not freaking out over it and I'm hoping I can stay that way for as long as I'm in this place. I just have to keep the frustrating unknowns at arms length and focus on what I can do to change where I am and wait for the open doors that I know will come.

I guess the first open door I'm pursuing is I have an interview with Children's Hospital this Thursday. Believe it or not, I'm really excited about this opportunity. But anway...I guess we will see what's heading my way...

I just hope curiosity doesn't kill the cat.

Taking Life as it Comes

Life seems to be full of a lot of waiting right now:

Waiting for the end of the school year.

Waiting for the right door to open with a job.

Waiting to know if I'm going to be able to move to Baton Rouge.

Waiting for the right time to go to grad school.

Waiting to make sure that I go to grad school for the right thing.

WAIT, Wait, wait, wait

I started out waiting and was completely fine with that. I'm still fine with that, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Maybe this means it's just going to be that much better when I do finally get into the right job. Maybe?

Where am I needed most? What can I do that will be just the right fit for me and everyone else that the door is wide open for me? I've heard there are positions open in Baton Rouge in the public school system, but I just don't want to do that if I can avoid it at all costs. Life is going to take me somewhere interesting soon...I hope that I won't have to sit too long in a place that I don't want to be though.

Roads Winding

this journey we're on
leaves us walking down many roads
of time-tested values
and new times to be paved

walking amongst hearts
shattered stains
worn stitches
patches of new life

the birth of life
the beginning of
the end
a day closer, a minute gone by

tears ever flowing
leaking from rusty buckets
overflowing happyness
settled yesterdays

don't try to stop
what you have set in motion
your choices of past
bring forth new beginnings

you can't stop
the unknown from happening
for those are the affects
of another decision made

take what you're given
breathe what you have
tomorrow will come
whether you ask

bask in the sorrow
brace for the pain
sing in the silence
dance in the rain

make joy from the bitter
bring life through the pain
find music in the stillness
wash new in the rain

Thoughts on Fine Wine and the Failure of Formulas

So I started reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller today and accordingly, I titled this post after the first chapter. I have to start by saying he is an extremely intriguing author. He has a dry sense of humor, which I love, and he always finds a way to say what he wants to that hits home. Great thought provoking reading.

The first chapter hones in on the formulas Christians, as a whole, have tried to mass produce for people to help set their life straight or build their marriage into a "holier" marriage or mend old relationships or date the right way etcetera. This really got me thinking on the whole age-old, time-tested formula of reading your bible daily and going to church every Sunday to listen to someone else's experience with scripture (I say it this way because I'm toying around with the idea that there is no set way to interpret scripture...maybe more on that later) and listening to all the right music and hanging out with all the right people and the list could continue to fill pages until you had set yourself to a legalistic standard that no one, except for Christ, could ever live out on earth. You know a perfect person? Then I would love to meet them and talk to them because I have yet to hear of someone who has never sinned, aside from Christ.

Anyway, I love how he talks about how Christians say it's all about a relationship with God, and yet what relationship do we treat with such a legality that there are set ways we must approach it and actions we must do in order to be interacting with one another? I don't ever show that I'm friends with someone by screaming their name loudly a set number of times before I sit down to carefully word what is going on in my life and making sure that I don't show exactly what I feel because it may be sinful. I don't set a standard amount of time that I have to hang out with that friend in order for me to say that we are friends and have a relationship whether aquaintance or best friend. Like Miller points out, we just up and pick up the phone to call and see what they are up to. I ask them if they want to chill. I spill my guts and let out my frustration (mind you there is a way to go about this the right way).

Why don't we just approach God this way? Aren't we supposed to be in a relationship with him? Why do we feel like there is only one way to approach him? Does that not set him in a box, make him out to be more like a robot than a being? And if we were created in his image, then how on earth are we supposed to maintain this computerized formula of a being who we are of likeness to? There's no way and we sit around acting as if there is only one way to experience God.

Formulas do us squat. I've personally read through some Christian self-help books, but they never do any good. Even if I implement the different steps, that might have worked for the person writing it, but my journey in life is completely different.

I guess this is where I absolutely love this quote: "Reality is like a fine wine. It will not appeal to children."

I have to admit there are times I wish we had our magic wands that we could just wish whatever we wanted into being. I think most people have wanted that at some point in time. But what we have to realize is there is no set way for any one person. You have to take what you have been given as it comes and move on to the next place in life. You have to learn to appreciate where you are even if it isn't the exact fulfillment of a dream that you have had. Strive to achieve your dreams, but when you're life takes you down a path, either away from or farther from your dreams, savor the bittersweet of the moment because that is the way life will always be.

Don't search for God in the easy-to-figure-it-out formulas. He's not there. God isn't a package you pick up from a store with directions on how to use what's inside. God is experienced when you let go of control and go with the flow of life. God is found when you allow your life to go where it was meant to (an ironic statement considering that a lot of where your life goes does depend on decisions you make; although, some of your life is determined by where you were born and who you know) and seek him out the same way you get to know your friends: talking, being real, asking questions, listening. Knowing God is allowing him to love you. What that means for every person is going to be different and it is time that we come to grips with the knowledge that telling someone how to connect with God is as pointless as it is to tell the ocean to quit making waves. Yes, there are things that have been found to help people connect with God, but this does not mean that it is a time-founded method that will work for everyone. Share your experience but don't expect someone else to have that same exact experience or to see the same side of God through the same experience you did. Quit looking for something safe and jump on for the adventure.

Bleck

i'm sad. i'm tired. i'm stressed. i am not in love with my major and wonder why on earth i got my degree in something i won't use except to help push start me and why i didn't follow my *go ahead and insert big fat NERD here* love of mathematics or science. i just love teaching piano and of course, the thing i love, you can't just begin tomorrow with a full studio. those things take time and unfortunately almost every job, albeit one in baton rouge, interferes with me even having piano students. i know i won't be here forever but it's just not a fun thought.

i think even though i'm possibly moving with my family, although not living in the same house just going to the same city, it makes me sad that they are moving. i guess because jeff still has two years of school left and transitioning to new schools in the middle of high school is never fun. i know he will be fine and will make new friends, and who knows, the new school could be a perfect fit for him. i'm not so sad for laura because she is at a new chapter in her life and is leaving for college anyway. nothing for her to lose, everything for her to gain. the friendships she have will either last or it will be evident they were only for a chapter of her life. but for jeff, he shouldn't have to move. i guess there is a big learning lesson in this for him somewhere and instead of remaining where he is he will continue to grow.

as for myself, i'm kind of excited about moving. i don't want to stay in arkansas for the rest of my life, nothing against it, it's just not for me. i would rather go places, see things i've not seen, experience parts of life that i wouldn't be able to here. i don't know exactly what the next chapter of my life holds for me and as much as i would like to know at times, i prefer the flexibility i must encounter and the mystery of the unknown. that part of this new chapter in my life is exciting.

but it is so so bitter as i think about the friends i will be leaving behind. i think they are friends to stay, who i will always keep in touch with. but that doesn't make it any less sad thinking about the fact that they most likely will not just be a five minute drive away. haha...that i won't be living in the same apartment with them anymore. this is the first time in my life that i have had friends that i connect with in the ways we have grown in our friendship.

i think i'm going to go think to myself a little...maybe not the best idea but i don't feel like posting any deeper feelings to the world...

The Heroic Slave

This book was amazing in the context that it opened my eyes more to the life of a slave and seeing it from their perspective. There is a lot I have heard about the cruelty and how horrific we treated slaves not too long ago. I had just never read anything from their perspective, which shed new light on the emotions that are involved and the difficulty that they went through. I knew it was horrific, I knew that white men were cruel in that they treated the blacks like animals, but I had never seen it from the perspective of the slave himself. It was always from an abolitionists point of view, which although accurate and heart wrenching as it was, was nothing to the affect of reading this novel based on a true story by Frederick Douglass.

The opening where our abolitionist comes up on Madison Washington monologuing in the woods was...I don't know how to describe it. It made me angry at the man who claimed to own him and hopeful that he would be freed along with his wife.

I feel terrible that men from our FREE nation claimed ownership over men. I know they could never own claim on a man's soul, but to claim ownership on a man is just wrong. I know this issue has been addressed and yet not taken care of on both sides...I just really liked reading this book and seeing a different perspective of slavery.

Oh, to Not be Surrounded by Southern Thought!

Okay, don't get me wrong. I love the people around me: namely, my family and close friends. But I get so tired of the question from people, anyone: "So when are you getting married?" Or people telling me that I should be married or am close to that age.

This isn't from random people who don't know my situation: I'm single and loving it (not that I don't jokingly [and sometimes with a real hint of wanting it because I let my lonliness get to me] suggest someone find a boy for me. it's just a joke, and I really don't even like the idea of being set up with someone). This is from people who do...or just people who think that at my age, I should either be getting or already married.

Who on earth decided that by the time you graduate from college, you should be getting married? When did that become the norm? I don't want to be married, I enjoy my single life. It's not that I don't get lonely at times or that I never have moments where I just really wish I had that special connection with someone as more than a friend.

But none of my guy friends are people I want to be with as more than friends. Very few of them do I find attractive physically, and even the ones that I do I am not attracted to their personality in a romantic way. I quite simply just enjoy the friendship I have with the ones I hang with on a normal basis and want nothing more (and even if the ones who are taken weren't, I would still feel the same way...i just simply want to be friends).

I have heard from several people, that marrying young is a mentality set in the south. WHY PEOPLE? Why on earth did you have to set this "marry young" mentality into everyone? Why is it not okay for some people to do that (because that is what some people want and are perfect for) and others to enjoy their single life until they are a bit older and finally meet the right person? I mean seriously. I hear that off in California and New York and Indiana and IDK you name it...if it's not in the south then there is rarely pressure to marry at a very young age. But down here, I know people who have looked down on people who don't marry by the age of 22 (Oh gosh, I'm going to DIE because I will not be married by my 22nd in September!).

I've been ready to up and go...and this just makes me want to go even more. The more I think about going I have this odd feeling of peace surrounding me knowing that I need to stay in Arkansas for at least one more year if not two, secure a teaching post, and then LEAVE! I'm hightailing it to Cali or Michigan or somewhere I can find a good theological seminary (because that's been in my blood for a long time and even more so currently) but I'm not going to one that is ultra conservative. They would despise my likeness being there, and I would die not being able to ask some of the questions that I want to (and YES! I do know that I will never find a set answer if there are even answers to be had. and YES! I'm perfectly OKAY with that. I LOVE asking questions that may not be answered).

And should God direct my life down a different path; if things change between now and then, I'm still leaving Arkansas. I have never wanted to stay here. I just don't want to be stuck here...there is more out there for me. I feel it. I know it. It is a part of me. It is who I am. And goodness, while I am single and can ENJOY my freedom to live exactly where I am supposed to be and worry only about where my life has been called (and yes, I do believe I have a very deep calling placed on my life [not that everyone doesn't, I'm just talking about what I know for myself]). I don't want or need to take care of someone else's life and can't take care of someone else's dreams, aspirations, hopes, struggles, pains, worries, EVERYTHING at all right now. I have too many decisions, to many unknowns, too many unpeacables (yeah I made up the word...like Dr. Seuss okay?) right now. And I don't want to add to someone else's nor do I want to take on theirs.

I just want to be me and deal with my stuff and search and love and hope and dream and follow my calling right now because that is where I am supposed to be. And right now my walk in life does not match with a guy. And I am fine with that; I'm actually very happy that my path is for me right now. So I want other people to be fine with that and quit asking me when I'm getting married (p.s. I don't have a guy so that's kind of an IMPOSSIBLE question to answer at the moment) or that I should be married (p.s if you haven't figured out by this post that I DON'T WANT to be married currently you might want to read it again) or that I'm of marrying age (p.s. I have never found a book that says "you should be married by X age", so inform me if you do because I have never heard of nor seen it).

Just let me enjoy being who I am and who I was created to be at this time.

Sorry for My ADD

okay...so i just read my last post (yes, i'm strange like that) and realized how ADD it was. i'm everywhere in it. so for those of you who do read this and will read susequent posts following: i'm sorry. if you can follow me, you're amazing. if you try, that's even better because i just can't keep my thoughts organized apparently.

A Lot of Change Makes Your Head Spin

Time is really closing in on me....and it's the scariest thing I have ever faced aside from near-death experiences.

I guess that's relatively a good thing considering I have lived 21 and 1/2 years.

I have so many ideas floating around in my little finite mind and it is beginning to wear me out.

If you haven't learned this yet, listen to me now: time is not on your side; it will continue to work its way forward whether you want it to or not and to sit on your butt isn't going to help. I'm not saying all of this because I have been waiting around for something to happen. I'm saying this because you have to take action even if you're having to stand at a fork in the road for a while. You have to look as far down both roads as you can (which is about as far down the road as looking down at your feet because you can't predict anything) and make as educated a decision as possible, and then never look back. This is what I'm learning as my head wallows in a mass of chaotic thought embedded in all the change about to take place and all my questioning and deeper searching into theological thought and material(mmmmm...I love going places that I may never come back from with an answer. Frustrating at times but I still absolutely love it). :D

To give you some insight on why my head is spinning here are some of the things I have been thinking:

what on earth am i going to do when i graduate? what is the purpose of the church and does the church really serve that purpose anymore? do i need to stay in conway, move to fayetteville, move to baton rouge with my fam, or just go let my sense of adventure take me away to some far off state (because I don't want to live the rest of my life in arkansas if i don't have to)? do i need to get a job or go back to school? why on earth did God really let finite and 100% errant men canonize his inerrant truths? if i go back to school, what will i go for? am i crazy to really want to go to seminary? why does my family have to be moving in the middle of some of the biggest changes in all of our lives? why do i not have the guts to stand up to some people? why are people so stuck on thinking that if you are a true believer you will and must go to church? why do i have a love for youth and for music but i absolutely despise teaching in school? why did i spend four years earning a degree i will probably never use? how on earth did church become something you do on sunday? when did we lose sight of relationship and grab on to the idea of religion? what kind of jobs are open to me since my degree is only geared towards gaining my teaching license? why do people get onto me for hanging out with non-believers or those who live a controversial lifestyle? last i checked we're supposed to love everyone as ourselves and to witness is just to be involved in someones life, not to bible beat them...is it not?

Okay, so now that I actually typed some...like not even .000001 of what's going on in my head and life you understand why so much change at once is crazy and why I wish life was as easy as pushing the staples easy button. :P

Decisions are Never Easy

*sigh*

Yes, I just started my post sighing. I feel like there are so many things weighing on my shoulders currently and their are some decisions I just don't want to have to face yet.

I wish I could go back to school for free or had the funds to go back.

Yes...I just said it and I know all of you who are wanting out and read this probably hate me for saying it but when you finally round the corner, staring the End in the face, you don't want to stare it down with it laughing at you because you just don't know what the hell you are going to do since you don't want anything to do with your degree. The only thing close to my degree that I enjoy is teaching piano lessons.

You can't just start off from day one and automatically have a piano studio. Those things take Time and Time is not on your side in the beginning. You have to wait patiently and unfortunately, Life doesn't wait for you to build a piano studio so you can start paying for it: insurance, living quarters, car and car insurance, food, gas, you know...all the basic necessities of life.

I really don't want to move. I really don't want my family to move either.

I went out with my parents tonight and it was great. However, the mention of me moving with my parents just made me stress out. I love them and financially it would be great because I could save lots of money by living with them, but I really want to have the adventure of living on my own. I guess Time (yet again there is that ugly thing called Time) will tell what decision I am going to have to make. If I can find a job here that will support me then I will do that, but if I can't, then I will probably be having to move.

Oh dear! I don't even want to think about that possibility...

Too much change at once stresses me out. I normally don't like change anyway so I was trying to keep something normal. Ugh!

I guess I am off to ponder the weight of everything on my shoulders.

What a Creep!

Okay, so I came home this weekend because I really missed my family and my lil sis and I had decided we were going to spend some time tanning. We got up this morning to a GORGEOUS day: bright and sunny with the best temperatures for being near the end of winter. Pauline came over to chill with us and we all decided it would be a great idea to get an icee.

So we slip on some shorts and tank tops which made it obvious we had on our swim suits. We didn't think it would be that big of a deal except for it became one. One of the people who runs the gas station we went to was this old man who has tattoos coming out his ass and they aren't tasteful at all. Funny enough, he happened to be a creep. When he realized we had on swimsuits he asked us where we were going swimming and we told him we weren't, we were just tanning. Instead of leaving us alone he asked where we went tanning and we replied "at home". He shut up for a minute but then once we got to the register he points at Pauline and says, "She's tattooed on my arm."

*Okay creep, what are you up to?*

Pauline and I kind of look at each other funny, turn to look at his tattoo and both are kind of shocked. On his entire forearm is a tattoo of this SKINNY SKINNY woman with pretty much DDD boobs and a scrap of material to cover them...okay so her boobs are hanging out. He continues to show us all his tattoos when he turns to Laura and tells her that Pauline is on his arm. She thought he was talking about the woman checking us out and he says "No, and look at this. She can dance." The creep starts flexing his arm to make the boobs move. So, Pauline is tattooed on some random guys arms with boobs that do dances...apparently. Also, he tells us his life story about his ex-wife cutting him and how he ran away to Ohio...fun stuff it sounds like.

The greatest part: we get in the car and are laughing hysterically about this creep who tells us P is tattooed on his forearm and the first words out of her mouth are, "Well how would you feel if you saw your boobs jumping on a man's arm?"

Music Speaks to the Places Almost Nothing Else Can

Okay...so I'm supposed to be reflecting on my teaching and journaling: my lovely homework during this semester when I'm not typing up lesson plans or filling out paper work: YAY (NOT)! However, as I was about to start I found that almost impossible because of the music I was listening to. Simple stuff: Josh Groban. But for some reason I just found myself in this place that I can't speak what I feel I just know it's hitting me in those hidden places of my soul.

Why and how does music have such a profound impact in some people's lives? I know not everyone appreciates it and not everyone finds it to make them stop in their tracks but I often find myself in this place: I want to do nothing BUT listen to music and just soak it up. There is no explanation to it, it just is.

I don't know what I would do without music. I don't know what I would do without my ability to play the piano because of how much enjoyment I find in learning new pieces and taking in all the beautiful sounds that are produced from making music. I have such a deep appreciation for the art and am so thankful that it exists because when it seems like nothing would help me to keep going, something in the music will hit me in those places that make me want to keep going no matter what.

Good Good Good

I really enjoyed an extremely long phone conversation I had tonight. It was really great to be able to say out loud some things I had been thinking with someone who had known about the situation from the beginning. Adam if you read this: THANKS!

Totally different from the phone convo...just a thought that has been on my mind a lot lately and come up in several different conversations:

It has sucked going through some of the crap I have dealt with with my parents over the past couple of months, I am very...mmm...I don't know if grateful is the right word but I do not regret that we had those rough times. I think through them all we are going to grow closer. I don't wish them to happen but inevitable things like that will happen every now and then and I have to say I do appreciate my parents more and know they love me that much more. Even if I don't agree with everything they say and do, I appreciate that they hold to who they are and will tell me what they think because they love me and care about me. I really wish I had more time to be with them before they move away. And shoot! The disagreements are MINOR compared to what they could be...they're not over some huge ordeal and they weren't relation shattering. Yes, it may take time to rebuild but I'm all for it because they are worth everything to me. EVERYTHING

Time is too short...there is not enough of it. So I must cherish what I have. Unfortunately, going home means I don't get any homework done...but I'm at the point now where I may just say screw it and go home whenever I get a chance because I'm not going to have many more of these moments. That makes me really sad. I know people who would have thought a month ago I would never be saying this. But I love my family so much that even if I don't agree with everything, I want to do everything I can and will do everything I can to keep my relationship with them. I love them...I would die for them...I don't know what I'm going to do without them when they move away.

Road trippin' maybe? Anyone have to head down there so I'm not making it by myself?

I miss them so much right now. I think it's been a month since I've gotten to go home last and it sucks even more knowing they were all home without me just this past weekend...YESTERDAY and the day before yesterday and the day before yesterday's yesterday :D I know...I'm a total dork and I'm sleepy...BAD combination. But anywho, they were all there and I was here. And all I could keep thinking was: I wish I was able to be with them right now...I really just want to be with them! So I'm going home next weekend...I'm going HOME! Who cares about some professional development thing that I'm not required to go to and care nothing about... I'm going HOME!

Ready for May 3rd

If there was ever a time in my life that I have almost followed through with the temptation of doing something half-heartedly, it is now. I absolutely love kids and I love working with them in small settings but I hate working at school. What on earth am I going to do when I get out of school you ask? Beats me...I wish I could have enough piano students to get paid enough to live off of...but that takes a lot of time to work into.

Anyway, back to wanting to do something half-heartedly: I really don't want to do all the work that I'm supposed to to graduate. I struggle daily to find the positives and usually my saving grace is that I have piano students waiting for me after school. Occasionally, I have a really good time with the 4th grade classes I see in the afternoon...they are my favorite age to work with so I guess that goes without saying. It's just frustrating knowing that I have spent four years of my life, pouring all I have into a degree that I will probably never use.

What on earth am I going to do? I guess the next couple of months will tell all.

Valentine's is for Those Who Want More Money

So...I have nothing against the holiday and I have celebrated it when I have been in a relationship but I still think the entire day is a HUGE marketing scam. I mean someone invented a day for everyone to celebrate love but isn't that kind of pointless...if you really love someone you will find a way to show the person you care for that you love them every day. I think it's great to do something a bit out of the ordinary, that may cost more than what you can afford every day and I'm definitely for celebrating when you have a significant other. However, I will still always think it was created by someone who was trying to find a way to make more money.

I don't hate the holiday and as long as I have a significant other I will celebrate. Shoot, we even sort of celebrated with my students at school today. I'm too poor to afford valentine's for 300+ students and my piano students but we celebrated none the less and it wasn't like I turned away the cute chocolates and cards that were given to me by a few students just because I think it's a marketing scam. I just have thought and will always think valentine's is a holiday created by those who want more money.

Disgusting to Clean

It's bad enough to live in a girl's apartment that never gets clean...and I mean NEVER! But it's even worse when you think your apartment looks like a bachelor's AND you're good guy friends think it looks worse than a bachelor's apartment.

So...

Today, I woke up and started cleaning. The microwave is now clean except for the stains. The counter is spotless. The stove is sparkling white. And the floors, including under every piece of furniture that is easily movable by one person without removing everything from it's shelves, are now quite clean. I can't say that there isn't anything left in them, but I got most of it up. How do I know? I have a wal-mart sack full of dust/hair/nastiness that is getting thrown away.

YAY for a clean apartment! That had not been done since we moved in over a year and half ago...yuck!

I'm Weird

I have this random urge to write...with no point in mind. Just a desire to write until I've worn every last bit of language out of my fingers. Unfortunately, I have no clue what I want to write about or what to write about. I just had to put that somewhere so I wasn't keeping it locked in myself.

My conclusion from all of this: I'm weird.

Things that Keep Me Going...

If there is anything I have discovered from student teaching so far, it is that I was not made to work with more than max of 3 small children at a time. I love kids, I just can only handle them in small doses. I have no idea why I'm wired like this, I just know that's the way I am.

So as I've sat at school trying to find the positives, I have found a few things that seem to keep me going:

1) The hope of my piano students at the end of the day. I despise the fact that I have to be working until quite late considering my day starts at 7:30/7:45ish and I'm not done until 7 on average but knowing that most of my piano students are really good students and a lot of fun drives me to finish the day.

2) The hope that I might get a student who is normally stoic to smile, prone to misbehavior to be the best student for the day, and those who may get no attention at home may at least get a little from me. Unfortunately, half the time I can make them feel special we have this dumb "we're invisible" policy so I'm not supposed to talk to the students...GREAT! I guess it's a good policy but it just doesn't seem to make sense to me.

3) There is a student at school who has for some reason decided he thinks the world of me. He is precious and has a very sweet demeanor. I have this awesome, simple smiley face staring at me in my apartment that he drew in about the 2 seconds I was in their class to talk with his teacher. I don't know why but he's melted my heart :D

4) Random, funny happenings that have occurred in class. One such occurrence was earlier this week a student was playing with a ranch packet (they had had salad with lunch). His methods of playing with it was to twist it in the middle, which inevitably busted the packet. However, the thing didn't just squirt...it EXPLODED on everything. He was covered, the piano had ranch all over it, even some of the other students were fortunate to get ranch on them :D The bad thing: my mentor got onto the class for laughing and I was probably laughing the hardest when he was getting onto them. I had to try to stifle my laughter while starting to clean up the mess....I have to say it was HILARIOUS!

5) My students thinking I'm amazing for knowing songs like "soulja boy"! Yeppers...I am the coolest to them because I know the song...and sort of but not really know the dance. HAHA!

6) oh and somehow, you do no wrong in their eyes. So even after I've disciplined one of them they come right back and ask for a hug...or attach themselves to you like they're a leech and cannot survive without being attached to you.

I just hope I can find more things like this to keep me going...because ugh! There are problems galore at school...and half the time I can't stand being there. At least it is only for a few months.

I Hate it When My Friends Are Hurting

Ugh...to get a text from a friend who is upset: not fun.

I'm the only one I want to see with something screwy and not fun going on in their life. I'm the only one I want to see wondering about different aspects of life and how it ended up this way. I'm the only one I want to see depressed because of different situations.

It isn't that I wish horrible situations on myself. It's just that if it has to happen I would rather be the one experiencing it so my friends don't have to.

It makes me cry to know a friend is hurting. It makes me want to take the weight of the world on myself so no one else has to experience it and they can breeze through life.

But then what is life without trial? And can we really experience life without the pain to help us appreciate the joy that much more?

At least I can be there for my friends as they deal with the painful parts of life. At least I have been there so I can be there for them that much more. At least they know I'm here to lend a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, someone to share laughter with, a helping hand. At least they know that I empathize with them and wish the best for them.

At least they know I care.

Random Poem

I had to sit through a meeting at school today. I guess it went well and I could say I learned some stuff....but I got distracted by this random thought of how hollow most people are and with the thought "hollow man", in terms of our culture and how fake most people are, ringing through my head for no apparent reason (I guess it was my abstract mind taking me there in my boredom)...I wrote this:

hollow man
mask held high
facade works only
on those passing by

nothing to see
the eye is the window
leading to soul
but it is empty

acts hold for crowds alone
fewer still care to see past
those who love you, even unsaid
know the abyss inside

put down your guard
take a chance, be real
life takes turns
when light is let in

pain will occur
the path is unworn
no map to guide you
confusion is likely

family will raise the brow
resistance will ensue
emptiness feels comfortable
when opposition arises

that lonely home of
hiding deep inside
of maintaining hollowness
is easiest of all

but meaning cannot
be found inside an abyss
let light shine in
let the few see

embrace the pain
take hold the opposition
find life in hardship
for after the rain comes the bow

Mangled Web

Okay so you know how you find old cob webs that have all these massive lumps of string or whatever it is that comes out a spiders backside...that's the state my mind is in: million different places with each one being trapped inside this tight wad of chaos. I guess you could say. I need some machine that extracts my thoughts, organizes them for me, and then helps me to make sense of them all.

Does anyone know of such a thing? If they do, I would appreciate they inform me of where I can obtain said machine.

Boy Do I Need Help... And This Made Me Laugh

Okay, so earlier today, my true mental handicap began to show itself. Apparently, I do not know how to turn the faucet off without squirting myself with the little handy-dandy water squirter (I forgot what it was called...it's 2 in the morning :D). I was cleaning my dish before I left to go take the PRAXIS and because food was left in the sink I started spraying it with the hose. When I was finished, I put the hose back as I was turning off the water, which is seemingly too complicated a task for me. Right as I had the hose in its place and I had just shut the water off, there must have still been water left in the hose because I managed to hit the trigger just enough that it squirted what was left out. Of course, that wasn't a cool enough trick for me; I had to get my entire side wet. Yay for me! Why I can't gear all that talent into something useful behooves me, but ya know, so goes life.

Oh...and Emily's friend had this up and I thought it was quite the laugh...so I thought I would post it. Before you read, sorry for the language.
9 THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYONE!!!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?"

Tears

tears
stain the heart
leaving a mess of colored residue
it seems like you are left with nothing

tears
they fall from cracks that
burn from moist sorrow
hoping to make anew what has been lost

tears
remind of times gone
amazing memories
and times to come

tears
write stories on your face
leave traces of all that was
and shine in hope of brighter tomorrows

tears
speak of all that is held within
when words leave us
when silence holds us captive

tears
stain the heart
leaving a mess of colored residue
becoming the magnificent stained windows of the soul

It All Leads to Questions...and More Questions...and...

"Doubt is not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is absurd." Voltaire

I am stuck in this place of constant questioning. Unfortunately, the more I question, the more questions present themselves and they seem to lead to an endless abyss of questioning. So many things seem to have been invented by the human mind because we have to feel some sense of belonging. We have to feel that we can know everything. We have to have some sense of certainty: "I can definitely claim this 100% and say that no one else is right." But seriously, does anybody know that for a fact?

I'm not raising all of this because I feel I have to know. I will admit it is very uncomfortable and not very reassuring to say the least. But I think if we, as a society, were okay with not having the answers and not try to claim something as 100%-know-it-for-a-fact-will-happen-truth when you can't things might look a little different. But therein lies the problem. There are so many different ways of being raised to think and every one of them claims "I AM THE RIGHT WAY TO LIVE". What if I was raised in a Hindu family? Or Islamic? Or Buddhist? Would I not be just as prone to say that is the right way, just as people in the U.S. are more apt to believe that Christianity is the way? But how do we know? We can trust in that way and claim it for ourselves, but you can't actually say you know for a fact that it is the absolute right way. You have to embrace what can't be known. You have to understand that you could be wrong and if you were can you live with that? Can you live with knowing you might have believed in something that didn't really exist?

I still believe in prayer. I still believe in God; I don't believe you can live in this world and explain most things without Him because it started somewhere and it had to have a higher, unbound by time being or power to sustain it. I believe the bible does have a lot to guide life with but I don't believe it as the only form that truth comes from. I don't see the role that church plays in this belief at all. And even with all of this, I have to accept that I might be wrong.

I can't say for a fact there is a God: I've never physically seen Him. I have to trust that what was created was created by some higher power even though I can't see Him. I have to trust that there is something holding this universe together. There is no way to know 100% and I'm okay with that. It really sucks and it makes me see life a little differently, but I don't know how else to see it.

I guess I'm just coming to grips with the fact that I will search and look into the questions I have, but of this I am certain: I will only come up against more questions, more mystery, more doubt, more swimming in the ocean of uncertainty.

"As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more mysterious." Albert Schweitzer

Breaking the Chains

growing up seemed so easy, not so long ago
but then they formed a bubble and chained me in it

they said i had decisions, i could make a choice
but somehow only their way was right and punishment embraced my choice

i know i'm old enough to make choices, i make them every day
but they don't see it that way, or at least they don't act like it

somehow i don't know myself well enough to know when i'm ready and what i want
but they do even though they are hardly ever around me?!

somehow if my choice disagrees with them then i'm turning my back on them
but isn't part of growing up embracing the differences

i didn't know it meant you had to agree with everyone

it feels like they want to yank happiness out from under me
but i will fight this

i am stronger than they think

questioning is a fact of life and in the end it makes you stronger
but apparently it means i'm on a slippery slope

where do they get these ideas?
where does it say truth comes from one book in one building?

i find truth in the most unlikely of places many times
truth will always be right where it began and it is not taken by man and placed into one solitary book or given only in one building or given only to one person

i don't know if they will ever realize i don't let others make decisions for me
i don't know if they will ever realize that i listen to many different people's advice but in the end i make my own choice based on what i feel guided to

i don't know if they realize the choices they are giving me
and i don't know if they see that they are asking me to be a mindless robot

i don't know if they understand they are treating me as a child
i don't know if they realize that independence is independence; there are not multiple definitions: it means you are responsible for yourself

i don't know if they understand that respecting someone does not mean that you do what they say
but it means that you regard their opinion, you listen to it, and then you have to make your own choice whether or not you agree with that respected person

i don't know if they realize they have been losing my respect with the way they have handled this and other things over the years
i don't know if they realize how hard i am trying to make everything work

i don't know that they will be pleased with the way it will come out
but i know that in the end i will have done what i can and maintained what i believe

Becoming an Adult is Harder Than it Should Be in My Home

Okay...so my parents asked me how I define independence, which I don't think is a bad thing; I just find it extremely odd that they are giving off the air that independence is different for everyone. I thought that independence meant the same thing for everyone: you are no longer dependent on someone else, you take care of yourself and you make decisions for yourself. Here, webster defines it pretty close to what I think it is:

1: not dependent: as a (1): not subject to control by others : self-governing (2): not affiliated with a larger controlling unit b (1): not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent (2): not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct c (1): not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) (2): being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living d: showing a desire for freedom

Now, I am currently not completely independent of my parents in terms of livlihood because there are still some things that they pay for. And that is what makes this situation sticky.

They want me to become my own person, to become an adult, which on my terms I already am an adult (I guess they just don't see it that way...why I don't think I will ever understand). However, they hold the things that they do control (food, gas, my car belongs to them, etc.) over my head to get me to make the decisions that they want me to. They tell me that I am free to make my own decision, even if they don't agree with it, but then I'm pretty much "punished" if I don't do what they want.

So I'm stuck in this limbo where I don't agree, know that I make my own decisions, but at the same time almost have to play by their rules to get by without looking at them and telling them that I don't want anything to do with them. I don't want to push my family out of my life, I love my family very much, but somehow my parents are pretty much telling me that if I make my own decisions and they don't agree that I have to turn my back on my family.

I really don't think that is right. Period.

So when I define indedence to them telling them that I no longer look to them for answers to my questions, what are they going to say?

I do believe that at the point I am at parents become friends and no longer play the parental role. So, yes, they will still be giving me advice, but I have to make decisions based on what I feel guided to do knowing that I take full responsibility for my decision. Being a friend with someone, you do give them advice based on how you might handle the situation, BUT in the end you have to make the decision for yourself and not based on what someone else would do. So when I disagree with my parents and don't do what they would want me to, I still respect them but I have disagreed with how they might handle the situation and they can't tell me to do otherwise.

Why this is so hard for them I really can't say. Why it is so hard for me to communicate I don't know either. Maybe because I'm afraid of how I'm going to keep living this semester if they pull all my resources out from under me. Maybe they are bluffing, like many of my friends believe. But after talking with my Brother-in-law and hearing him say he would do the same thing, I don't think it's a ploy. My parents will really pull the plug. At that point, I'm stuck because I can see them taking away my car, which is really the biggest problem I have. I can find a job that will support me and if need be apply for a small student loan, but I don't know how transportation would work out...becasue it's not like I have enough to go buy a car and start making payments on it.

Becoming an adult in my household is far more complicated than it should be. I think half the problem is they are not ready to let go. They are afraid of what it means to let a daughter go and not have some person over her that she has to go to before she makes a decision.