Stuck

You know how you get that wierd sensation when food gets caught in your throat? I'm constantly feeling like that on a daily basis currently...I've been feeling like that for a few months now. Except the only problem is the feeling has nothing to do with food and everything with theological questions and questioning my faith because I feel like I'm missing a fundamental part. I feel like I have been trapped in a box with what people around me have told me for so long I can't even hear my own thoughts towards what has been taught.

I know I think the church has been stuck in a rut of check list after check list that is necessary to have "faith". But I don't agree.

What happened to a relationship with Christ? What happened to just wanting to spend time with Him (and not being told how, why, when, where, etc. you have to spend time with him)? What happened to showing Him to others just by loving them rather than trying to force some five step process that has to be reckoned with to believe (anyone can believe some five fundamentals to a belief system without living by them anyway)?

I kind of feel like I'm caught in a circle. I was at this place two or three months ago, never really left it, never really found a place where I could dig deeper, and still feel like I really don't have much time to dig deeper or even know where to start. I don't know where to start because everything I have been taught was "right" won't keep it's mouth shut long enough for me to dig into what is really true. I feel like if I could finally hear just what I was thinking for a few seconds, a billion questions would burst forth I might actually start getting somewhere and the "food" might unlodge from my throat.

It's not that I think the church has it all wrong. I definitely think it can bring something to the table. I just think it has taken what it was given and made it more complex and off the road in comparison to what it is supposed to be. I don't have the answers or even claim to know exactly where to find them...I just know I can't shake this lodged feeling in my throat and churning in my stomach produced by the "truth" preached today and what I am learning through a few different books and through my time with Christ.

I'm beginning to think that Satan is working his hardest to make everyone have to join the work force and never leave because in these days and times, everyone does what they can to keep busy. And those who try to have a life and be able to sit back and relax can't because they're under the thumb of their authorities who tell them to keep working, keep producing, keep the economy running. I swear the economy is going to crash and this world that has run on "busy, busy, busy, sleep (wait...what is that?)" won't know what to do with itself.

I'm a week from permanently joining the work force and already find with my temporary job I just left on Friday, I have no time for anything because by the time I'm finished with work, all my body has energy to do is sleep. I'm going to have to start finding ways to make myself stay awake just so I can research, just so I can read, just so I can relax and finally start answering questions for myself so I can silence, once and for all, the voices of mediocrity.

Nothing Like What I Dreamed...Perhaps Better :)

I feel old...too old. This growing up thing is not what I imagined it to be when I was a child. Not at all. It's hard yet fun. It's tiring but enjoyable when you find your knack. But it's still not what I dreamed it to be.

I guess that would be the problem: I dreamed it to be fantastic, amazing, can't-wait-to-get-there.

I don't know if I would rather take back the innocence and absence of heavy responsibility from my childhood or prefer to know that my hard work and sweat is what is keeping me going. That I am making an impact in this world even when no one else sees it. Of course I would love to take back my ability to sleep well...maybe it's just the change.

I have thoroughly enjoyed meeting all the people I did through my job at BREC. Not to mention when we hang out we're usually riding horses. I swear I'm going to own one someday. I know they're a huge responsibility but I would rather have a horse over a dog any day (but I'm going to have a dog too!). As long as I can remember, I've always wanted a horse. I've always wanted to be around horses. I've never not wanted one. And that includes after being bucked off a horse (it's actually really fun! just extremely dangerous too!). When a horse gallops is the essence of free spirit to me, not a care in the world. I guess the equivilent of free spirit that I can achieve on my own is skiing...maybe I need to move to the snow covered Rockies where I can own some land and have a few horses on it (God will you please give me a job for that?!). haha...

I'm going to miss seeing those people every day but at least I know we will all chill on occasion. Hopefully, my permanent job will have just as great if not a better environment as I've had with all my friends at BREC.

Bitter Sweet of Moving and Still Making Memories

I'm sad. My family is spending the last weekend together in Arkansas that all of us will be together. I know we will get together, but it just won't be the same. And the frequency will no longer be at least once if not twice a month.

I don't really see my family ever being together in the same city or extremely close to one another anymore. If Linds and Drew ever move it will be far off, I won't be moving anywhere close if I am ever called out of Baton Rouge (not to mention I have no desire to ever move back to Arkansas), and if my parents move there aren't many states they will be moved to because of where Entergy is. This disheartens me. It makes me want to rewind and be able to capture what we've had and keep it this way. It makes me want to stop what is going on in all our lives and keep it at a standstill.

But then I know that I'm interfering with God's plans which only screws everyone over. Plus, when you leave things at a standstill they become dull, stale, grown over with muck like a nasty pond that doesn't see rain or any new source of water for weeks. Or you try to control things that cannot be controlled. Sure, you can try but you have no way to really control it so you only become upset when the bumps, the turns, the disturbances occur in the "perfect plan". And when you do let go and give God control (HA! of what He already had under wraps anyway), you find a peace that wouldn't be there otherwise. You may still have unpleasantries staring you in the face or trials laughing as you suffer; excuse me, you will have unpleasantries and trials beat you down until you think you're no longer able to hold together but despite those you find a strength and peace that does not belong to you. And because it is not of this world you withstand that which comes your way.
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I guess you could say I'm angry. I don't really know why I'm telling everyone this, but if I hold it in I will allow it to fester and not focus on all the great things that are occurring in my life (and let me tell you, God is working a lot of amazingness).

So I'm going to get this out.

It's stupid really. I mean, I don't have reason to be angry considering this is exactly where God wants me. But I am.

I'm angry that right when I'm moving there are people I was starting to get close to. I was finally connecting in a city I've lived 12 years and made very few permanent connections. I think there are a total of 3 people I've met and kept in touch with (in more than a passing connection) for longer than 3 years.

I'm angry that right when I was finally going to have godly people I could plug into a bible study with and ACTUALLY grow closer to them I'm being called down to Louisiana. I've been in my fair share of studies and small groups, and never connected with any of the girls on more than a passing basis. I don't know why we didn't, but for some reason I just never connected heart-to-heart with any of them.

I'm angry that when I'm starting to get closer to my older sister and my brother-in-law is finally home, they're having to stay up in Fayetteville. It's just not the same when you live over 7 hours away from someone. She will always be my sister and he will always be an adopted big bro, but it's harder to get close to someone when you live so far away.

And although it's not really an anger issue I'm dealing with when it comes to the next uncomfortableness I am experiencing, I'm ecstatic yet apprehensive about moving out on my own. It's scary and the world is not a friendly place. I guess I'm more frustrated just because of the time I've spent in a degree that, as great as it is, there isn't much of it I will be using. And finding a job is not easy. Not when your degree is so specific that it doesn't help you get a job in really anything but a desk job. And it's not that I'm not okay with that, but I can't even find a desk job.
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Fortunately, getting that out helps and I have a lot to be thankful for.

First and foremost, is God's hand completely over my circumstances. They are not 100% easy to go through, but they're not terrible and I can already see Him at work and am excited to see exactly what He has in store.

I'm excited to say that my living situation has completely panned out. It was up in the air as to whether or not I was going to be able to move in with Erin, but as we both prayed and everyone around us prayed, God showed us exactly what He wanted. It was awesome (haha...and REALLY hard) to wait on His timing, but as we did He showed us that He wanted us to live together. And yet again, He proved Himself and showed how much better it is when you wait on Him. We're still praying for another roommate, but I know that in His time everything is going to work out. I have to say that Erin is amazing! I'm so excited about getting to know her better. God totally worked this out for the better and I know He has worked and will continue to work in our lives as we draw closer to Him and get to build our friendship.

God has also begun to work in my job situation. Although that is probably the hardest factor of what I'm currently going through with the move, I am not worrying because I know that God is going to pull me through this and will provide the right job (as long as I keep up my search), which will be the perfect fit.

I'm excited about all the people I've already met and will meet and will build relationships with. I definitely made friends up in Arkansas, but for some reason I've never felt so accepted and felt like I clicked with a group of people as I have already in Baton Rouge. Maybe it's too early to say this, but I just really feel like I'm actually going to click with people down here and build some really great friendships!

I think I'm actually going to click with the girls I will meet with for bible study too! Oddly enough, I have never been in a bible study with girls where I've clicked and really felt like I can be sincere. This may also be something I'm judging too early, but I'm still really excited about it and think I will get along with these girls more so than I ever have in a small group I've consistently met with.
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So last night, the sibs and I did something really funny...I'm going to keep this short because I have to go but these people have this weird thing where they have stones balanced out to make a pile of something...what I don't know. But anyway, we went and Jeff climbed out of the car, ran to the stones, pushed it over with his BUTT and ran back to the car. You would have had to be there, but it was HILARIOUS! It is much better in greater detail...maybe I will come fix this later.