Holy Cow!

Oh my goodness! Where has time gone? I think it tends to elude me considering I walk this Saturday but I feel like I'm supposed to be starting high school or something of that sort soon. And unfortunately, that's eight years behind where I am...why do I feel so young and yet I'm supposed to be an 'adult' now?

You know that brings back memories from when I was little and all I wanted was to be older. Everyone told me to wait, I would be there soon enough and I never believed them. Now I sit here looking back on my past four years of college and wonder what is two feet in front of me in this upcoming year. I know a lot of change ensues but a lot of the change that will happen I am not certain of as of this moment.

I know my family is moving to Baton Rouge.

I know that I am going to be on my own.

I know that I am looking for a job and I don't want to be a music teacher in the school system.

Okay...so ADD moment...but that brings me to wondering why we can be so good at something to the point that everyone around you tells you how great you're going to be at your new job (I just chuckle to myself knowing that I won't be doing what they think I will) and yet you just don't want to be there. You don't like it, you can't enjoy it. You might enjoy the people, or in my case you might love the kids, but you hate the job. I know I like working with kids: I love teaching piano lessons. But I have had the hardest time working up a desire to go to school everyday and tried my hardest to like it, but I can't. I just don't. So why are we good at something and yet not wired for it at all? Does that make sense? It does to me and I don't feel like trying to explain myself again in one post...so that will just have to do for now. I guess that's one of those things we will never understand in our finite setting...

Anyway...back to the few knowns in my world of change...

Those are very few knowns in a world of a lot of unknown. And although it hasn't unnerved me at all, I'm beginning to get frustrated that so much is still not settled. The parts that could be are floating around my head taunting me as if they just want to watch me cave. I'm still not freaking out over it and I'm hoping I can stay that way for as long as I'm in this place. I just have to keep the frustrating unknowns at arms length and focus on what I can do to change where I am and wait for the open doors that I know will come.

I guess the first open door I'm pursuing is I have an interview with Children's Hospital this Thursday. Believe it or not, I'm really excited about this opportunity. But anway...I guess we will see what's heading my way...

I just hope curiosity doesn't kill the cat.

Taking Life as it Comes

Life seems to be full of a lot of waiting right now:

Waiting for the end of the school year.

Waiting for the right door to open with a job.

Waiting to know if I'm going to be able to move to Baton Rouge.

Waiting for the right time to go to grad school.

Waiting to make sure that I go to grad school for the right thing.

WAIT, Wait, wait, wait

I started out waiting and was completely fine with that. I'm still fine with that, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. Maybe this means it's just going to be that much better when I do finally get into the right job. Maybe?

Where am I needed most? What can I do that will be just the right fit for me and everyone else that the door is wide open for me? I've heard there are positions open in Baton Rouge in the public school system, but I just don't want to do that if I can avoid it at all costs. Life is going to take me somewhere interesting soon...I hope that I won't have to sit too long in a place that I don't want to be though.

Roads Winding

this journey we're on
leaves us walking down many roads
of time-tested values
and new times to be paved

walking amongst hearts
shattered stains
worn stitches
patches of new life

the birth of life
the beginning of
the end
a day closer, a minute gone by

tears ever flowing
leaking from rusty buckets
overflowing happyness
settled yesterdays

don't try to stop
what you have set in motion
your choices of past
bring forth new beginnings

you can't stop
the unknown from happening
for those are the affects
of another decision made

take what you're given
breathe what you have
tomorrow will come
whether you ask

bask in the sorrow
brace for the pain
sing in the silence
dance in the rain

make joy from the bitter
bring life through the pain
find music in the stillness
wash new in the rain

Thoughts on Fine Wine and the Failure of Formulas

So I started reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller today and accordingly, I titled this post after the first chapter. I have to start by saying he is an extremely intriguing author. He has a dry sense of humor, which I love, and he always finds a way to say what he wants to that hits home. Great thought provoking reading.

The first chapter hones in on the formulas Christians, as a whole, have tried to mass produce for people to help set their life straight or build their marriage into a "holier" marriage or mend old relationships or date the right way etcetera. This really got me thinking on the whole age-old, time-tested formula of reading your bible daily and going to church every Sunday to listen to someone else's experience with scripture (I say it this way because I'm toying around with the idea that there is no set way to interpret scripture...maybe more on that later) and listening to all the right music and hanging out with all the right people and the list could continue to fill pages until you had set yourself to a legalistic standard that no one, except for Christ, could ever live out on earth. You know a perfect person? Then I would love to meet them and talk to them because I have yet to hear of someone who has never sinned, aside from Christ.

Anyway, I love how he talks about how Christians say it's all about a relationship with God, and yet what relationship do we treat with such a legality that there are set ways we must approach it and actions we must do in order to be interacting with one another? I don't ever show that I'm friends with someone by screaming their name loudly a set number of times before I sit down to carefully word what is going on in my life and making sure that I don't show exactly what I feel because it may be sinful. I don't set a standard amount of time that I have to hang out with that friend in order for me to say that we are friends and have a relationship whether aquaintance or best friend. Like Miller points out, we just up and pick up the phone to call and see what they are up to. I ask them if they want to chill. I spill my guts and let out my frustration (mind you there is a way to go about this the right way).

Why don't we just approach God this way? Aren't we supposed to be in a relationship with him? Why do we feel like there is only one way to approach him? Does that not set him in a box, make him out to be more like a robot than a being? And if we were created in his image, then how on earth are we supposed to maintain this computerized formula of a being who we are of likeness to? There's no way and we sit around acting as if there is only one way to experience God.

Formulas do us squat. I've personally read through some Christian self-help books, but they never do any good. Even if I implement the different steps, that might have worked for the person writing it, but my journey in life is completely different.

I guess this is where I absolutely love this quote: "Reality is like a fine wine. It will not appeal to children."

I have to admit there are times I wish we had our magic wands that we could just wish whatever we wanted into being. I think most people have wanted that at some point in time. But what we have to realize is there is no set way for any one person. You have to take what you have been given as it comes and move on to the next place in life. You have to learn to appreciate where you are even if it isn't the exact fulfillment of a dream that you have had. Strive to achieve your dreams, but when you're life takes you down a path, either away from or farther from your dreams, savor the bittersweet of the moment because that is the way life will always be.

Don't search for God in the easy-to-figure-it-out formulas. He's not there. God isn't a package you pick up from a store with directions on how to use what's inside. God is experienced when you let go of control and go with the flow of life. God is found when you allow your life to go where it was meant to (an ironic statement considering that a lot of where your life goes does depend on decisions you make; although, some of your life is determined by where you were born and who you know) and seek him out the same way you get to know your friends: talking, being real, asking questions, listening. Knowing God is allowing him to love you. What that means for every person is going to be different and it is time that we come to grips with the knowledge that telling someone how to connect with God is as pointless as it is to tell the ocean to quit making waves. Yes, there are things that have been found to help people connect with God, but this does not mean that it is a time-founded method that will work for everyone. Share your experience but don't expect someone else to have that same exact experience or to see the same side of God through the same experience you did. Quit looking for something safe and jump on for the adventure.

Bleck

i'm sad. i'm tired. i'm stressed. i am not in love with my major and wonder why on earth i got my degree in something i won't use except to help push start me and why i didn't follow my *go ahead and insert big fat NERD here* love of mathematics or science. i just love teaching piano and of course, the thing i love, you can't just begin tomorrow with a full studio. those things take time and unfortunately almost every job, albeit one in baton rouge, interferes with me even having piano students. i know i won't be here forever but it's just not a fun thought.

i think even though i'm possibly moving with my family, although not living in the same house just going to the same city, it makes me sad that they are moving. i guess because jeff still has two years of school left and transitioning to new schools in the middle of high school is never fun. i know he will be fine and will make new friends, and who knows, the new school could be a perfect fit for him. i'm not so sad for laura because she is at a new chapter in her life and is leaving for college anyway. nothing for her to lose, everything for her to gain. the friendships she have will either last or it will be evident they were only for a chapter of her life. but for jeff, he shouldn't have to move. i guess there is a big learning lesson in this for him somewhere and instead of remaining where he is he will continue to grow.

as for myself, i'm kind of excited about moving. i don't want to stay in arkansas for the rest of my life, nothing against it, it's just not for me. i would rather go places, see things i've not seen, experience parts of life that i wouldn't be able to here. i don't know exactly what the next chapter of my life holds for me and as much as i would like to know at times, i prefer the flexibility i must encounter and the mystery of the unknown. that part of this new chapter in my life is exciting.

but it is so so bitter as i think about the friends i will be leaving behind. i think they are friends to stay, who i will always keep in touch with. but that doesn't make it any less sad thinking about the fact that they most likely will not just be a five minute drive away. haha...that i won't be living in the same apartment with them anymore. this is the first time in my life that i have had friends that i connect with in the ways we have grown in our friendship.

i think i'm going to go think to myself a little...maybe not the best idea but i don't feel like posting any deeper feelings to the world...

The Heroic Slave

This book was amazing in the context that it opened my eyes more to the life of a slave and seeing it from their perspective. There is a lot I have heard about the cruelty and how horrific we treated slaves not too long ago. I had just never read anything from their perspective, which shed new light on the emotions that are involved and the difficulty that they went through. I knew it was horrific, I knew that white men were cruel in that they treated the blacks like animals, but I had never seen it from the perspective of the slave himself. It was always from an abolitionists point of view, which although accurate and heart wrenching as it was, was nothing to the affect of reading this novel based on a true story by Frederick Douglass.

The opening where our abolitionist comes up on Madison Washington monologuing in the woods was...I don't know how to describe it. It made me angry at the man who claimed to own him and hopeful that he would be freed along with his wife.

I feel terrible that men from our FREE nation claimed ownership over men. I know they could never own claim on a man's soul, but to claim ownership on a man is just wrong. I know this issue has been addressed and yet not taken care of on both sides...I just really liked reading this book and seeing a different perspective of slavery.

Oh, to Not be Surrounded by Southern Thought!

Okay, don't get me wrong. I love the people around me: namely, my family and close friends. But I get so tired of the question from people, anyone: "So when are you getting married?" Or people telling me that I should be married or am close to that age.

This isn't from random people who don't know my situation: I'm single and loving it (not that I don't jokingly [and sometimes with a real hint of wanting it because I let my lonliness get to me] suggest someone find a boy for me. it's just a joke, and I really don't even like the idea of being set up with someone). This is from people who do...or just people who think that at my age, I should either be getting or already married.

Who on earth decided that by the time you graduate from college, you should be getting married? When did that become the norm? I don't want to be married, I enjoy my single life. It's not that I don't get lonely at times or that I never have moments where I just really wish I had that special connection with someone as more than a friend.

But none of my guy friends are people I want to be with as more than friends. Very few of them do I find attractive physically, and even the ones that I do I am not attracted to their personality in a romantic way. I quite simply just enjoy the friendship I have with the ones I hang with on a normal basis and want nothing more (and even if the ones who are taken weren't, I would still feel the same way...i just simply want to be friends).

I have heard from several people, that marrying young is a mentality set in the south. WHY PEOPLE? Why on earth did you have to set this "marry young" mentality into everyone? Why is it not okay for some people to do that (because that is what some people want and are perfect for) and others to enjoy their single life until they are a bit older and finally meet the right person? I mean seriously. I hear that off in California and New York and Indiana and IDK you name it...if it's not in the south then there is rarely pressure to marry at a very young age. But down here, I know people who have looked down on people who don't marry by the age of 22 (Oh gosh, I'm going to DIE because I will not be married by my 22nd in September!).

I've been ready to up and go...and this just makes me want to go even more. The more I think about going I have this odd feeling of peace surrounding me knowing that I need to stay in Arkansas for at least one more year if not two, secure a teaching post, and then LEAVE! I'm hightailing it to Cali or Michigan or somewhere I can find a good theological seminary (because that's been in my blood for a long time and even more so currently) but I'm not going to one that is ultra conservative. They would despise my likeness being there, and I would die not being able to ask some of the questions that I want to (and YES! I do know that I will never find a set answer if there are even answers to be had. and YES! I'm perfectly OKAY with that. I LOVE asking questions that may not be answered).

And should God direct my life down a different path; if things change between now and then, I'm still leaving Arkansas. I have never wanted to stay here. I just don't want to be stuck here...there is more out there for me. I feel it. I know it. It is a part of me. It is who I am. And goodness, while I am single and can ENJOY my freedom to live exactly where I am supposed to be and worry only about where my life has been called (and yes, I do believe I have a very deep calling placed on my life [not that everyone doesn't, I'm just talking about what I know for myself]). I don't want or need to take care of someone else's life and can't take care of someone else's dreams, aspirations, hopes, struggles, pains, worries, EVERYTHING at all right now. I have too many decisions, to many unknowns, too many unpeacables (yeah I made up the word...like Dr. Seuss okay?) right now. And I don't want to add to someone else's nor do I want to take on theirs.

I just want to be me and deal with my stuff and search and love and hope and dream and follow my calling right now because that is where I am supposed to be. And right now my walk in life does not match with a guy. And I am fine with that; I'm actually very happy that my path is for me right now. So I want other people to be fine with that and quit asking me when I'm getting married (p.s. I don't have a guy so that's kind of an IMPOSSIBLE question to answer at the moment) or that I should be married (p.s if you haven't figured out by this post that I DON'T WANT to be married currently you might want to read it again) or that I'm of marrying age (p.s. I have never found a book that says "you should be married by X age", so inform me if you do because I have never heard of nor seen it).

Just let me enjoy being who I am and who I was created to be at this time.

Sorry for My ADD

okay...so i just read my last post (yes, i'm strange like that) and realized how ADD it was. i'm everywhere in it. so for those of you who do read this and will read susequent posts following: i'm sorry. if you can follow me, you're amazing. if you try, that's even better because i just can't keep my thoughts organized apparently.

A Lot of Change Makes Your Head Spin

Time is really closing in on me....and it's the scariest thing I have ever faced aside from near-death experiences.

I guess that's relatively a good thing considering I have lived 21 and 1/2 years.

I have so many ideas floating around in my little finite mind and it is beginning to wear me out.

If you haven't learned this yet, listen to me now: time is not on your side; it will continue to work its way forward whether you want it to or not and to sit on your butt isn't going to help. I'm not saying all of this because I have been waiting around for something to happen. I'm saying this because you have to take action even if you're having to stand at a fork in the road for a while. You have to look as far down both roads as you can (which is about as far down the road as looking down at your feet because you can't predict anything) and make as educated a decision as possible, and then never look back. This is what I'm learning as my head wallows in a mass of chaotic thought embedded in all the change about to take place and all my questioning and deeper searching into theological thought and material(mmmmm...I love going places that I may never come back from with an answer. Frustrating at times but I still absolutely love it). :D

To give you some insight on why my head is spinning here are some of the things I have been thinking:

what on earth am i going to do when i graduate? what is the purpose of the church and does the church really serve that purpose anymore? do i need to stay in conway, move to fayetteville, move to baton rouge with my fam, or just go let my sense of adventure take me away to some far off state (because I don't want to live the rest of my life in arkansas if i don't have to)? do i need to get a job or go back to school? why on earth did God really let finite and 100% errant men canonize his inerrant truths? if i go back to school, what will i go for? am i crazy to really want to go to seminary? why does my family have to be moving in the middle of some of the biggest changes in all of our lives? why do i not have the guts to stand up to some people? why are people so stuck on thinking that if you are a true believer you will and must go to church? why do i have a love for youth and for music but i absolutely despise teaching in school? why did i spend four years earning a degree i will probably never use? how on earth did church become something you do on sunday? when did we lose sight of relationship and grab on to the idea of religion? what kind of jobs are open to me since my degree is only geared towards gaining my teaching license? why do people get onto me for hanging out with non-believers or those who live a controversial lifestyle? last i checked we're supposed to love everyone as ourselves and to witness is just to be involved in someones life, not to bible beat them...is it not?

Okay, so now that I actually typed some...like not even .000001 of what's going on in my head and life you understand why so much change at once is crazy and why I wish life was as easy as pushing the staples easy button. :P

Decisions are Never Easy

*sigh*

Yes, I just started my post sighing. I feel like there are so many things weighing on my shoulders currently and their are some decisions I just don't want to have to face yet.

I wish I could go back to school for free or had the funds to go back.

Yes...I just said it and I know all of you who are wanting out and read this probably hate me for saying it but when you finally round the corner, staring the End in the face, you don't want to stare it down with it laughing at you because you just don't know what the hell you are going to do since you don't want anything to do with your degree. The only thing close to my degree that I enjoy is teaching piano lessons.

You can't just start off from day one and automatically have a piano studio. Those things take Time and Time is not on your side in the beginning. You have to wait patiently and unfortunately, Life doesn't wait for you to build a piano studio so you can start paying for it: insurance, living quarters, car and car insurance, food, gas, you know...all the basic necessities of life.

I really don't want to move. I really don't want my family to move either.

I went out with my parents tonight and it was great. However, the mention of me moving with my parents just made me stress out. I love them and financially it would be great because I could save lots of money by living with them, but I really want to have the adventure of living on my own. I guess Time (yet again there is that ugly thing called Time) will tell what decision I am going to have to make. If I can find a job here that will support me then I will do that, but if I can't, then I will probably be having to move.

Oh dear! I don't even want to think about that possibility...

Too much change at once stresses me out. I normally don't like change anyway so I was trying to keep something normal. Ugh!

I guess I am off to ponder the weight of everything on my shoulders.