Allergies Oh Allergies

haha...So after many years of fighting allergies, I finally gave in and had myself tested. I've known for a long time that I'm allergic to many many things, but I was too stubborn when I was younger to ever be dragged into an allergist for testing and then the ever fatal weekly shots.

But after suffering for 22 years and working at a clinic, I finally decided what could it hurt? right? The worst that could really happen is I find out that it wasn't allergies and have to be tested for something else...or to find I was allergic to everything they test me for.

Let me just say that is the most torturous 15 minute wait of my entire life. After they put all the different syrum on me and then scratched my back (pricked it or something with a needle...not scratch as in scratching an itch), I think it took about 2 seconds before my back was raging at me for allowing someone to put all that stuff on it.

The nurse finally walks back in and starts "ooooo"ing at the whelps I have on my back. I was allergic a lot of stuff....mostly things I already knew. What I did learn is that when people are allergic to dust its to the mites not the dust itself. I also learned that if you're allergic to one cat you're allergic to them all but just because you're allergic to dog dander doesn't mean you're allergic to all dogs (I mean I kind of figured, I guess I was just affirmed in what I thought). So dog's like Golden Retrievers and other types of dogs are no good.

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Today I finished the second book of the Twilight series. And I think they're good books...but I'm not obsessed with them like everyone thought I would be. Everyone thought I would go ape nuts over Edward Cullen...the absolute perfect guy...so perfect it's fake. It's sad and happy to me. Call me crazy because the reason I think it's sad and happy are on polar opposited ends of a spectrum.

I think it's sad because so many young girls are going to read that and become brain washed, wishing and hoping that one day they will have a guy like him who is so in love with them and will go to all ends of the world and love her extravegantly. And not that guys don't love girls and not that they won't go out on limbs to love that one special person, but they're human, destined to fail, desperately in need of love and forgiveness just as every girl is.

But then it made me happy, because just for a second, that weird twist to make a person inhuman, his undying love, reminded me of exactly how Christ wants to love us and does if we will only let him. He wants to be our everything, the fire that burns the wood brightly but never causes the wood to completely ash, always able to ever glow.

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I have to go beat down the doors of OLOL...okay so I won't actually beat the doors down but I'm tired of this mail not ever getting to me. They told me they had mailed me a letter concerning whether or not I had been accepted. But I never received it. So on Friday (that's when I was talking with some guy in admissions), I was told they would print another one and mail another one to me. I figured they would get that done ASAP and I would have something in my hands by now....still no letter. So tomorrow, I walk in that admissions office and ask they either tell me, or they print one off and hand it to me in the office...otherwise I'm going to make some crazy payment from them such as they need to pay me for all the problems they've caused (wish it would work that way :D).

In Thought and Gut

I'm feeling extremely morose. I've been feeling this way for several days now and it just doesn't make sense.

I mean...I know that part of it was brought on by the depth of emotion I've connected with in the music I've been listening to lately: Gavin Degraw, Matt Wertz, Dave Barnes. Even some of Jason Mraz's stuff.

But I feel like its more...seriously, can music make you feel like your guts are about to spill on the pavement and when they do all you can do is aimlessly attempt to save yourself before your heart stops because your lungs can no longer provide that vital vacuuming in air and pushing it out? Not to mention the loss of blood...

And I've had some deep thoughts and convos with God lately...but somehow I feel its more than just the connection with revelations he's given me lately.

I don't even think it's brought on by the hard times I've been in since I moved down here. Don't get me wrong, life is good considering I'm breathing and God has provided my every need, but it's just been rough. A low point. A time where I've realized there are things in my life I've never had (and I'm not talking not being in the top percentage of the inaccessibly rich or a desire for possessions or ineffaceable beauty). I am almost certain it is not these realizations and trials that are causing this moroseness to settle deep within my core because God has graciously granted me ineradicable joy. Not happiness, that which vanishes, but JOY!

And yet, I still sit in puzzlement as my being seems wrapped into bleak sorrow.

Can this even be possible? To feel so bleak and yet be in possession of the greatest emotion God has granted us: joy?

I guess it's what James meant when he said, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)

Maybe I wasn't meant to understand this. Or maybe I was meant to go through this without understanding and later would look back on it, able to see exactly what this produced in me.

Even if that's the case, it doesn't diminish the frustrations that come with being in this place. But I know that God will pull me through this and I will be changed, whether or not I know it.

The Searth Within Oneself Can Be Crazy

I feel so lost. So tired. At the end of my rope. I guess I'm physically worn because I'm not sleeping well. And my spirit just seems to be lost in this web of utter confusion.

I'm never able to get out of the confusion because it's like this vacuum craving to know more and understand more but never is filled.

Not to mention I'm not challenged by my job and even though I know I'm where I'm supposed to be it's getting really boring pulling files everyday. My brain was created to hold knowledge that is more dense. Not "find file # 4607800-03. check it out to DR289. place on cart to bring to doctor..." etc. on a daily basis. I know what I do is vital to the clinic...but it's just so boring.

And to top it off...I don't have an instrument I can practice on at home. Plus, it would be hard to practice at home anyway because I have roommates (well...at least I think it will be roommates soon) who I need and want to consider.

Lesson learned from all this: listen to God the first time He tells you to do something. I could be in China right now on medical missions or somewhere else as a traveling nurse or even over in Africa for a short term medical missions had I listened the first time.

Not that I don't love the people here in Baton Rouge, because I have made more friends down here who are amazing and complete blessings from God. And not that I don't like Baton Rouge, on the contrary. I would have been down here 4 years earlier! I know that it happened the way it did because of choices I made and that it wasn't bad. It just wasn't BEST.

Love: The Promise of Pain

"Ironically, Jesus was crucified not in spite of His love, but because of it. Somehow love incited both love and hate with equal force...
Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is Love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering."-- The Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus

I am blown away by this statement! WOW! I never took the time to think about how love drove God and Christ to the ultimate sacrifice. Or even that His love led Him through the most pain anyone could ever undergo.

I guess where I'm really going with this is that I normally think of loving someone as being the greatest thing I could possibly bestow on someone and that would mean they are going to love me in return, not hurt me, want to take care of me as I would of them (and I am by no means stating that I am perfect in this...I definitely come short of truly loving someone...anyone). (dang this isn't coming out how I would want it to at all....hopefully you can follow me)

I don't normally equate love with pain. I don't normally think, "When I love this person and give my all that I am capable of, I am going to be hurt." But that is what happens. Maybe not all the time, but frequently the ones you love hurt you. They say things that bring pain, they lie, they cheat, they leave you for someone else. The list could contain a million possibilities and still not be complete.

And that list has been endured by Christ to the fullest extent: He bore all betrayals to the worst of the worst on the cross all because He wanted us to have a relationship with God. He knew that loving would mean ultimate pain.

I think we see and know this when we read of Christ's sacrifice but what is funny is that we say we are willing and ready to follow Him but don't think about how much we really have to lose (according to this world). We don't prepare ourselves for the rejection that is bound to take place so that He may be glorified and that His love may abound. And even many times, it is the rejection that plants the first seed necessary for God's work to abound even more (not that God can't do it on His own, it is just the method He has chosen [thank you God! may I and those following you not take this blessing lightly]).

You know, I'm not sure I'm comprehending this 100% as I'm typing out my thoughts so there are probably many gaps and I'm not sure I have the ability to type it all out so...maybe I should recommend you read The Barbarian Way (I recommend it even if God does give me the words for this post) because it definitely opens up ideas that I think many of us never take time to really soak up.

I know I run from the pain many times or take it as a sign that I've done something outside of God's will. I ask the question, many times, "Why God? Why so much pain if I'm following your will for my life? What am I doing wrong?" The irony of it is that I should be thanking Him, because many times the pain experienced is because I have begun to love someone only the way He gives me the ability to thus they have thus experienced God's love.

Ugh....I think I'm going to stop here for now because I feel as though I'm butchering this thought process and I really want it all to come out in a clear manner...if you have any thoughts on this please feel free to comment!

Is it Possible for Your Mind to Float Away?

I'm not even kidding...is it possible?

Okay...seriously I just am overpowered by God's goodness in my life right now and struggling to grasp that home is now going to be where I make it...so really when you call home that building you go to...is that really the home?

This kind of takes me to many different places. The first being that you grow up (okay the past 12 years for me...so in my most moldable [not a word? oh well :)] stage in life) calling this thing, object made of wood, cement, brick and whatever other building materials people find in these days home. but then what happens when you move away from that? I think it has helped me to see that really home isn't in a building.

You hear (at least I know I have) the saying "home is where your heart is" a lot in American culture (correct me if I'm wrong, I just know that I hear people saying it quite a bit). I never stopped to think of how true that statement is until I was overcome with sadness for my family who is struggling with the move. We've never been split up by such long distances before and now all but my older sister and my brother-in-law are going to be down here in the big BR.

But then I got to thinking: we might have built a home up in AR but if they are capable of rebuilding it and the dynamics changing a bit due to me getting older and linds and drew being in north west AR then really home is the family unit we have functioned under and seen persevere through change, grow, and learn to love one another more as Christ would through trials and joyous occasions. So really home is what you make it, its defined by where you feel free to vent and be yourself and here it's only a glimpse of the real home awaiting you when you have a relationship with God.

And I know some people would say their home life is really crappy and for some of them I would have to agree. But then how much better will it be for them to enjoy what God has in store if they have the desire to fall more deeply in love with Christ?

mmm...I think I'm off to fathom this concept....

Scars

scars burn bright
the present bleeds
pain numbs to help facades
masks they hide
the hideous fear
and inset of reality

scars they scab
and with them bring
a dejavu filled life
all memories gone
helps hide the past
to live with eyes wide closed

scars they pink
with painful pulls
to open the sealed shut
to bring forth sight
to painful pasts
revealing behind the mask

scars remind
of where you've been
of all that's molded you
the searing pain
the aching past
the fire you've passed through

scars they show
all you are
and could possibly become
embrace the aches
live through the pains
keep your candle shining bright

Cute Cute Cute

Okay...at work today I saw probably one of the cutest situations unfold...EVER!

okay okay...let me tell you...

I had just gotten off the elevator when I was on my run to pick up files. Normally nothing interesting occurs seeing as it's just the lobby and I don't have time to sit and watch people (wow...I sound like a creeper but I'm sure a lot of people can identify with finding it interesting seeing how different people go about there day and their reactions to what their paths cross. right? ya catching my drift?). But the second I got off the elevator, I saw this cute old couple. The man was in his motorized chair and his wife was standing next too him looking at him with the most heart-felt "I love you" look in her eyes. What happened next was the sweetest and cutest situation I have ever come across:

She leaned down and gave him the most love-filled, years of trials and rainbows kiss I've ever seen an old couple give one another. It was adorable! It wasn't inappropriate for public but you could just tell they really LOVED one another.

It was heartfelt.

It was passion.

It was years of walking through fire together.

It was...what God designed it to be...at least that's what it spoke to me.

It makes me happy that I'm just falling more in love with Love Himself right now and that, should His will be it, I will marry a man one day in my future and when we've been together 10, 20, 30, 50, a kajillion years :) we will have grown more in love every day :)

But for now..I have the bestest of all of them. And He loves me all the time, no matter what and mmm...it is UHMAZING you guys! I wish everyone would allow God to love Him the way I can feel Him loving me right now. Trusting in Him has been the scariest, best thing I think I've ever done in my entire life. And I am learning and falling and becoming more in love with my Beloved every day! mMmMm FOREVAH!

Stuck

You know how you get that wierd sensation when food gets caught in your throat? I'm constantly feeling like that on a daily basis currently...I've been feeling like that for a few months now. Except the only problem is the feeling has nothing to do with food and everything with theological questions and questioning my faith because I feel like I'm missing a fundamental part. I feel like I have been trapped in a box with what people around me have told me for so long I can't even hear my own thoughts towards what has been taught.

I know I think the church has been stuck in a rut of check list after check list that is necessary to have "faith". But I don't agree.

What happened to a relationship with Christ? What happened to just wanting to spend time with Him (and not being told how, why, when, where, etc. you have to spend time with him)? What happened to showing Him to others just by loving them rather than trying to force some five step process that has to be reckoned with to believe (anyone can believe some five fundamentals to a belief system without living by them anyway)?

I kind of feel like I'm caught in a circle. I was at this place two or three months ago, never really left it, never really found a place where I could dig deeper, and still feel like I really don't have much time to dig deeper or even know where to start. I don't know where to start because everything I have been taught was "right" won't keep it's mouth shut long enough for me to dig into what is really true. I feel like if I could finally hear just what I was thinking for a few seconds, a billion questions would burst forth I might actually start getting somewhere and the "food" might unlodge from my throat.

It's not that I think the church has it all wrong. I definitely think it can bring something to the table. I just think it has taken what it was given and made it more complex and off the road in comparison to what it is supposed to be. I don't have the answers or even claim to know exactly where to find them...I just know I can't shake this lodged feeling in my throat and churning in my stomach produced by the "truth" preached today and what I am learning through a few different books and through my time with Christ.

I'm beginning to think that Satan is working his hardest to make everyone have to join the work force and never leave because in these days and times, everyone does what they can to keep busy. And those who try to have a life and be able to sit back and relax can't because they're under the thumb of their authorities who tell them to keep working, keep producing, keep the economy running. I swear the economy is going to crash and this world that has run on "busy, busy, busy, sleep (wait...what is that?)" won't know what to do with itself.

I'm a week from permanently joining the work force and already find with my temporary job I just left on Friday, I have no time for anything because by the time I'm finished with work, all my body has energy to do is sleep. I'm going to have to start finding ways to make myself stay awake just so I can research, just so I can read, just so I can relax and finally start answering questions for myself so I can silence, once and for all, the voices of mediocrity.

Nothing Like What I Dreamed...Perhaps Better :)

I feel old...too old. This growing up thing is not what I imagined it to be when I was a child. Not at all. It's hard yet fun. It's tiring but enjoyable when you find your knack. But it's still not what I dreamed it to be.

I guess that would be the problem: I dreamed it to be fantastic, amazing, can't-wait-to-get-there.

I don't know if I would rather take back the innocence and absence of heavy responsibility from my childhood or prefer to know that my hard work and sweat is what is keeping me going. That I am making an impact in this world even when no one else sees it. Of course I would love to take back my ability to sleep well...maybe it's just the change.

I have thoroughly enjoyed meeting all the people I did through my job at BREC. Not to mention when we hang out we're usually riding horses. I swear I'm going to own one someday. I know they're a huge responsibility but I would rather have a horse over a dog any day (but I'm going to have a dog too!). As long as I can remember, I've always wanted a horse. I've always wanted to be around horses. I've never not wanted one. And that includes after being bucked off a horse (it's actually really fun! just extremely dangerous too!). When a horse gallops is the essence of free spirit to me, not a care in the world. I guess the equivilent of free spirit that I can achieve on my own is skiing...maybe I need to move to the snow covered Rockies where I can own some land and have a few horses on it (God will you please give me a job for that?!). haha...

I'm going to miss seeing those people every day but at least I know we will all chill on occasion. Hopefully, my permanent job will have just as great if not a better environment as I've had with all my friends at BREC.

Bitter Sweet of Moving and Still Making Memories

I'm sad. My family is spending the last weekend together in Arkansas that all of us will be together. I know we will get together, but it just won't be the same. And the frequency will no longer be at least once if not twice a month.

I don't really see my family ever being together in the same city or extremely close to one another anymore. If Linds and Drew ever move it will be far off, I won't be moving anywhere close if I am ever called out of Baton Rouge (not to mention I have no desire to ever move back to Arkansas), and if my parents move there aren't many states they will be moved to because of where Entergy is. This disheartens me. It makes me want to rewind and be able to capture what we've had and keep it this way. It makes me want to stop what is going on in all our lives and keep it at a standstill.

But then I know that I'm interfering with God's plans which only screws everyone over. Plus, when you leave things at a standstill they become dull, stale, grown over with muck like a nasty pond that doesn't see rain or any new source of water for weeks. Or you try to control things that cannot be controlled. Sure, you can try but you have no way to really control it so you only become upset when the bumps, the turns, the disturbances occur in the "perfect plan". And when you do let go and give God control (HA! of what He already had under wraps anyway), you find a peace that wouldn't be there otherwise. You may still have unpleasantries staring you in the face or trials laughing as you suffer; excuse me, you will have unpleasantries and trials beat you down until you think you're no longer able to hold together but despite those you find a strength and peace that does not belong to you. And because it is not of this world you withstand that which comes your way.
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I guess you could say I'm angry. I don't really know why I'm telling everyone this, but if I hold it in I will allow it to fester and not focus on all the great things that are occurring in my life (and let me tell you, God is working a lot of amazingness).

So I'm going to get this out.

It's stupid really. I mean, I don't have reason to be angry considering this is exactly where God wants me. But I am.

I'm angry that right when I'm moving there are people I was starting to get close to. I was finally connecting in a city I've lived 12 years and made very few permanent connections. I think there are a total of 3 people I've met and kept in touch with (in more than a passing connection) for longer than 3 years.

I'm angry that right when I was finally going to have godly people I could plug into a bible study with and ACTUALLY grow closer to them I'm being called down to Louisiana. I've been in my fair share of studies and small groups, and never connected with any of the girls on more than a passing basis. I don't know why we didn't, but for some reason I just never connected heart-to-heart with any of them.

I'm angry that when I'm starting to get closer to my older sister and my brother-in-law is finally home, they're having to stay up in Fayetteville. It's just not the same when you live over 7 hours away from someone. She will always be my sister and he will always be an adopted big bro, but it's harder to get close to someone when you live so far away.

And although it's not really an anger issue I'm dealing with when it comes to the next uncomfortableness I am experiencing, I'm ecstatic yet apprehensive about moving out on my own. It's scary and the world is not a friendly place. I guess I'm more frustrated just because of the time I've spent in a degree that, as great as it is, there isn't much of it I will be using. And finding a job is not easy. Not when your degree is so specific that it doesn't help you get a job in really anything but a desk job. And it's not that I'm not okay with that, but I can't even find a desk job.
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Fortunately, getting that out helps and I have a lot to be thankful for.

First and foremost, is God's hand completely over my circumstances. They are not 100% easy to go through, but they're not terrible and I can already see Him at work and am excited to see exactly what He has in store.

I'm excited to say that my living situation has completely panned out. It was up in the air as to whether or not I was going to be able to move in with Erin, but as we both prayed and everyone around us prayed, God showed us exactly what He wanted. It was awesome (haha...and REALLY hard) to wait on His timing, but as we did He showed us that He wanted us to live together. And yet again, He proved Himself and showed how much better it is when you wait on Him. We're still praying for another roommate, but I know that in His time everything is going to work out. I have to say that Erin is amazing! I'm so excited about getting to know her better. God totally worked this out for the better and I know He has worked and will continue to work in our lives as we draw closer to Him and get to build our friendship.

God has also begun to work in my job situation. Although that is probably the hardest factor of what I'm currently going through with the move, I am not worrying because I know that God is going to pull me through this and will provide the right job (as long as I keep up my search), which will be the perfect fit.

I'm excited about all the people I've already met and will meet and will build relationships with. I definitely made friends up in Arkansas, but for some reason I've never felt so accepted and felt like I clicked with a group of people as I have already in Baton Rouge. Maybe it's too early to say this, but I just really feel like I'm actually going to click with people down here and build some really great friendships!

I think I'm actually going to click with the girls I will meet with for bible study too! Oddly enough, I have never been in a bible study with girls where I've clicked and really felt like I can be sincere. This may also be something I'm judging too early, but I'm still really excited about it and think I will get along with these girls more so than I ever have in a small group I've consistently met with.
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So last night, the sibs and I did something really funny...I'm going to keep this short because I have to go but these people have this weird thing where they have stones balanced out to make a pile of something...what I don't know. But anyway, we went and Jeff climbed out of the car, ran to the stones, pushed it over with his BUTT and ran back to the car. You would have had to be there, but it was HILARIOUS! It is much better in greater detail...maybe I will come fix this later.