Love: The Promise of Pain

"Ironically, Jesus was crucified not in spite of His love, but because of it. Somehow love incited both love and hate with equal force...
Anyone who chooses the barbarian way will learn quickly that love and sacrifice cannot be separated. This is perhaps why so many of us who know love fear love. We know that love is not the absence of pain. If anything, love is the promise of pain. No one has loved more deeply than God. Has anyone ever been more betrayed? God would not know suffering if He did not know love. But because He is Love, He chose to suffer on our behalf. Without love there is no glory in suffering."-- The Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus

I am blown away by this statement! WOW! I never took the time to think about how love drove God and Christ to the ultimate sacrifice. Or even that His love led Him through the most pain anyone could ever undergo.

I guess where I'm really going with this is that I normally think of loving someone as being the greatest thing I could possibly bestow on someone and that would mean they are going to love me in return, not hurt me, want to take care of me as I would of them (and I am by no means stating that I am perfect in this...I definitely come short of truly loving someone...anyone). (dang this isn't coming out how I would want it to at all....hopefully you can follow me)

I don't normally equate love with pain. I don't normally think, "When I love this person and give my all that I am capable of, I am going to be hurt." But that is what happens. Maybe not all the time, but frequently the ones you love hurt you. They say things that bring pain, they lie, they cheat, they leave you for someone else. The list could contain a million possibilities and still not be complete.

And that list has been endured by Christ to the fullest extent: He bore all betrayals to the worst of the worst on the cross all because He wanted us to have a relationship with God. He knew that loving would mean ultimate pain.

I think we see and know this when we read of Christ's sacrifice but what is funny is that we say we are willing and ready to follow Him but don't think about how much we really have to lose (according to this world). We don't prepare ourselves for the rejection that is bound to take place so that He may be glorified and that His love may abound. And even many times, it is the rejection that plants the first seed necessary for God's work to abound even more (not that God can't do it on His own, it is just the method He has chosen [thank you God! may I and those following you not take this blessing lightly]).

You know, I'm not sure I'm comprehending this 100% as I'm typing out my thoughts so there are probably many gaps and I'm not sure I have the ability to type it all out so...maybe I should recommend you read The Barbarian Way (I recommend it even if God does give me the words for this post) because it definitely opens up ideas that I think many of us never take time to really soak up.

I know I run from the pain many times or take it as a sign that I've done something outside of God's will. I ask the question, many times, "Why God? Why so much pain if I'm following your will for my life? What am I doing wrong?" The irony of it is that I should be thanking Him, because many times the pain experienced is because I have begun to love someone only the way He gives me the ability to thus they have thus experienced God's love.

Ugh....I think I'm going to stop here for now because I feel as though I'm butchering this thought process and I really want it all to come out in a clear manner...if you have any thoughts on this please feel free to comment!

Is it Possible for Your Mind to Float Away?

I'm not even kidding...is it possible?

Okay...seriously I just am overpowered by God's goodness in my life right now and struggling to grasp that home is now going to be where I make it...so really when you call home that building you go to...is that really the home?

This kind of takes me to many different places. The first being that you grow up (okay the past 12 years for me...so in my most moldable [not a word? oh well :)] stage in life) calling this thing, object made of wood, cement, brick and whatever other building materials people find in these days home. but then what happens when you move away from that? I think it has helped me to see that really home isn't in a building.

You hear (at least I know I have) the saying "home is where your heart is" a lot in American culture (correct me if I'm wrong, I just know that I hear people saying it quite a bit). I never stopped to think of how true that statement is until I was overcome with sadness for my family who is struggling with the move. We've never been split up by such long distances before and now all but my older sister and my brother-in-law are going to be down here in the big BR.

But then I got to thinking: we might have built a home up in AR but if they are capable of rebuilding it and the dynamics changing a bit due to me getting older and linds and drew being in north west AR then really home is the family unit we have functioned under and seen persevere through change, grow, and learn to love one another more as Christ would through trials and joyous occasions. So really home is what you make it, its defined by where you feel free to vent and be yourself and here it's only a glimpse of the real home awaiting you when you have a relationship with God.

And I know some people would say their home life is really crappy and for some of them I would have to agree. But then how much better will it be for them to enjoy what God has in store if they have the desire to fall more deeply in love with Christ?

mmm...I think I'm off to fathom this concept....

Scars

scars burn bright
the present bleeds
pain numbs to help facades
masks they hide
the hideous fear
and inset of reality

scars they scab
and with them bring
a dejavu filled life
all memories gone
helps hide the past
to live with eyes wide closed

scars they pink
with painful pulls
to open the sealed shut
to bring forth sight
to painful pasts
revealing behind the mask

scars remind
of where you've been
of all that's molded you
the searing pain
the aching past
the fire you've passed through

scars they show
all you are
and could possibly become
embrace the aches
live through the pains
keep your candle shining bright

Cute Cute Cute

Okay...at work today I saw probably one of the cutest situations unfold...EVER!

okay okay...let me tell you...

I had just gotten off the elevator when I was on my run to pick up files. Normally nothing interesting occurs seeing as it's just the lobby and I don't have time to sit and watch people (wow...I sound like a creeper but I'm sure a lot of people can identify with finding it interesting seeing how different people go about there day and their reactions to what their paths cross. right? ya catching my drift?). But the second I got off the elevator, I saw this cute old couple. The man was in his motorized chair and his wife was standing next too him looking at him with the most heart-felt "I love you" look in her eyes. What happened next was the sweetest and cutest situation I have ever come across:

She leaned down and gave him the most love-filled, years of trials and rainbows kiss I've ever seen an old couple give one another. It was adorable! It wasn't inappropriate for public but you could just tell they really LOVED one another.

It was heartfelt.

It was passion.

It was years of walking through fire together.

It was...what God designed it to be...at least that's what it spoke to me.

It makes me happy that I'm just falling more in love with Love Himself right now and that, should His will be it, I will marry a man one day in my future and when we've been together 10, 20, 30, 50, a kajillion years :) we will have grown more in love every day :)

But for now..I have the bestest of all of them. And He loves me all the time, no matter what and mmm...it is UHMAZING you guys! I wish everyone would allow God to love Him the way I can feel Him loving me right now. Trusting in Him has been the scariest, best thing I think I've ever done in my entire life. And I am learning and falling and becoming more in love with my Beloved every day! mMmMm FOREVAH!

Stuck

You know how you get that wierd sensation when food gets caught in your throat? I'm constantly feeling like that on a daily basis currently...I've been feeling like that for a few months now. Except the only problem is the feeling has nothing to do with food and everything with theological questions and questioning my faith because I feel like I'm missing a fundamental part. I feel like I have been trapped in a box with what people around me have told me for so long I can't even hear my own thoughts towards what has been taught.

I know I think the church has been stuck in a rut of check list after check list that is necessary to have "faith". But I don't agree.

What happened to a relationship with Christ? What happened to just wanting to spend time with Him (and not being told how, why, when, where, etc. you have to spend time with him)? What happened to showing Him to others just by loving them rather than trying to force some five step process that has to be reckoned with to believe (anyone can believe some five fundamentals to a belief system without living by them anyway)?

I kind of feel like I'm caught in a circle. I was at this place two or three months ago, never really left it, never really found a place where I could dig deeper, and still feel like I really don't have much time to dig deeper or even know where to start. I don't know where to start because everything I have been taught was "right" won't keep it's mouth shut long enough for me to dig into what is really true. I feel like if I could finally hear just what I was thinking for a few seconds, a billion questions would burst forth I might actually start getting somewhere and the "food" might unlodge from my throat.

It's not that I think the church has it all wrong. I definitely think it can bring something to the table. I just think it has taken what it was given and made it more complex and off the road in comparison to what it is supposed to be. I don't have the answers or even claim to know exactly where to find them...I just know I can't shake this lodged feeling in my throat and churning in my stomach produced by the "truth" preached today and what I am learning through a few different books and through my time with Christ.

I'm beginning to think that Satan is working his hardest to make everyone have to join the work force and never leave because in these days and times, everyone does what they can to keep busy. And those who try to have a life and be able to sit back and relax can't because they're under the thumb of their authorities who tell them to keep working, keep producing, keep the economy running. I swear the economy is going to crash and this world that has run on "busy, busy, busy, sleep (wait...what is that?)" won't know what to do with itself.

I'm a week from permanently joining the work force and already find with my temporary job I just left on Friday, I have no time for anything because by the time I'm finished with work, all my body has energy to do is sleep. I'm going to have to start finding ways to make myself stay awake just so I can research, just so I can read, just so I can relax and finally start answering questions for myself so I can silence, once and for all, the voices of mediocrity.

Nothing Like What I Dreamed...Perhaps Better :)

I feel old...too old. This growing up thing is not what I imagined it to be when I was a child. Not at all. It's hard yet fun. It's tiring but enjoyable when you find your knack. But it's still not what I dreamed it to be.

I guess that would be the problem: I dreamed it to be fantastic, amazing, can't-wait-to-get-there.

I don't know if I would rather take back the innocence and absence of heavy responsibility from my childhood or prefer to know that my hard work and sweat is what is keeping me going. That I am making an impact in this world even when no one else sees it. Of course I would love to take back my ability to sleep well...maybe it's just the change.

I have thoroughly enjoyed meeting all the people I did through my job at BREC. Not to mention when we hang out we're usually riding horses. I swear I'm going to own one someday. I know they're a huge responsibility but I would rather have a horse over a dog any day (but I'm going to have a dog too!). As long as I can remember, I've always wanted a horse. I've always wanted to be around horses. I've never not wanted one. And that includes after being bucked off a horse (it's actually really fun! just extremely dangerous too!). When a horse gallops is the essence of free spirit to me, not a care in the world. I guess the equivilent of free spirit that I can achieve on my own is skiing...maybe I need to move to the snow covered Rockies where I can own some land and have a few horses on it (God will you please give me a job for that?!). haha...

I'm going to miss seeing those people every day but at least I know we will all chill on occasion. Hopefully, my permanent job will have just as great if not a better environment as I've had with all my friends at BREC.

Bitter Sweet of Moving and Still Making Memories

I'm sad. My family is spending the last weekend together in Arkansas that all of us will be together. I know we will get together, but it just won't be the same. And the frequency will no longer be at least once if not twice a month.

I don't really see my family ever being together in the same city or extremely close to one another anymore. If Linds and Drew ever move it will be far off, I won't be moving anywhere close if I am ever called out of Baton Rouge (not to mention I have no desire to ever move back to Arkansas), and if my parents move there aren't many states they will be moved to because of where Entergy is. This disheartens me. It makes me want to rewind and be able to capture what we've had and keep it this way. It makes me want to stop what is going on in all our lives and keep it at a standstill.

But then I know that I'm interfering with God's plans which only screws everyone over. Plus, when you leave things at a standstill they become dull, stale, grown over with muck like a nasty pond that doesn't see rain or any new source of water for weeks. Or you try to control things that cannot be controlled. Sure, you can try but you have no way to really control it so you only become upset when the bumps, the turns, the disturbances occur in the "perfect plan". And when you do let go and give God control (HA! of what He already had under wraps anyway), you find a peace that wouldn't be there otherwise. You may still have unpleasantries staring you in the face or trials laughing as you suffer; excuse me, you will have unpleasantries and trials beat you down until you think you're no longer able to hold together but despite those you find a strength and peace that does not belong to you. And because it is not of this world you withstand that which comes your way.
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I guess you could say I'm angry. I don't really know why I'm telling everyone this, but if I hold it in I will allow it to fester and not focus on all the great things that are occurring in my life (and let me tell you, God is working a lot of amazingness).

So I'm going to get this out.

It's stupid really. I mean, I don't have reason to be angry considering this is exactly where God wants me. But I am.

I'm angry that right when I'm moving there are people I was starting to get close to. I was finally connecting in a city I've lived 12 years and made very few permanent connections. I think there are a total of 3 people I've met and kept in touch with (in more than a passing connection) for longer than 3 years.

I'm angry that right when I was finally going to have godly people I could plug into a bible study with and ACTUALLY grow closer to them I'm being called down to Louisiana. I've been in my fair share of studies and small groups, and never connected with any of the girls on more than a passing basis. I don't know why we didn't, but for some reason I just never connected heart-to-heart with any of them.

I'm angry that when I'm starting to get closer to my older sister and my brother-in-law is finally home, they're having to stay up in Fayetteville. It's just not the same when you live over 7 hours away from someone. She will always be my sister and he will always be an adopted big bro, but it's harder to get close to someone when you live so far away.

And although it's not really an anger issue I'm dealing with when it comes to the next uncomfortableness I am experiencing, I'm ecstatic yet apprehensive about moving out on my own. It's scary and the world is not a friendly place. I guess I'm more frustrated just because of the time I've spent in a degree that, as great as it is, there isn't much of it I will be using. And finding a job is not easy. Not when your degree is so specific that it doesn't help you get a job in really anything but a desk job. And it's not that I'm not okay with that, but I can't even find a desk job.
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Fortunately, getting that out helps and I have a lot to be thankful for.

First and foremost, is God's hand completely over my circumstances. They are not 100% easy to go through, but they're not terrible and I can already see Him at work and am excited to see exactly what He has in store.

I'm excited to say that my living situation has completely panned out. It was up in the air as to whether or not I was going to be able to move in with Erin, but as we both prayed and everyone around us prayed, God showed us exactly what He wanted. It was awesome (haha...and REALLY hard) to wait on His timing, but as we did He showed us that He wanted us to live together. And yet again, He proved Himself and showed how much better it is when you wait on Him. We're still praying for another roommate, but I know that in His time everything is going to work out. I have to say that Erin is amazing! I'm so excited about getting to know her better. God totally worked this out for the better and I know He has worked and will continue to work in our lives as we draw closer to Him and get to build our friendship.

God has also begun to work in my job situation. Although that is probably the hardest factor of what I'm currently going through with the move, I am not worrying because I know that God is going to pull me through this and will provide the right job (as long as I keep up my search), which will be the perfect fit.

I'm excited about all the people I've already met and will meet and will build relationships with. I definitely made friends up in Arkansas, but for some reason I've never felt so accepted and felt like I clicked with a group of people as I have already in Baton Rouge. Maybe it's too early to say this, but I just really feel like I'm actually going to click with people down here and build some really great friendships!

I think I'm actually going to click with the girls I will meet with for bible study too! Oddly enough, I have never been in a bible study with girls where I've clicked and really felt like I can be sincere. This may also be something I'm judging too early, but I'm still really excited about it and think I will get along with these girls more so than I ever have in a small group I've consistently met with.
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So last night, the sibs and I did something really funny...I'm going to keep this short because I have to go but these people have this weird thing where they have stones balanced out to make a pile of something...what I don't know. But anyway, we went and Jeff climbed out of the car, ran to the stones, pushed it over with his BUTT and ran back to the car. You would have had to be there, but it was HILARIOUS! It is much better in greater detail...maybe I will come fix this later.

Dang This City Has Grown!

Wow! I can't believe I'm here at all. I arrived in BR yesterday and still think I'm in total shock. I don't think I've really comprehended the fact that I've moved here, don't have hardly any of my belongings with me, and am starting life all over again.

It was crazy driving in and seeing things I remember (haha...especially things from when i was really little). For instance, I drove past the Millerville exit sign, remembered someone lived there only to find out I was the one living there when I was freakin 4 years old! SO crazy that I remember that street at all! I even drove past the spot I think I had a not so fun incident with hornets and remembered being there. Funny how although you might not think about it all the time, you store information and pull it out when you need to.

I don't think I'm going to have too hard a time figuring this city out considering I was driving around last night and pretty much remember everything I drove through.

I'm excited about meeting new people and making new friends. I'm actually excited about a summer job I have with BREC horse center! I will be getting paid to work with horses and kids...how sweet is that?! I'm probably going to find just another job that will support me...this is going to be crazy.

I will get to see old friends!! I'm definitely excited about that.

I just still am in disbelief that I'm making a new life in my hometown. It's definitely strange to come back after not being here in over 7 years.

Just Follow Me...

Okay, so there really isn't a single thought process I'm going through currently that will tie this all together...maybe I will by the end of it, but that's not my goal. I'm just putting thoughts out there.

I guess I kind of want to start with several really good quotes I came across while reading Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller:

"Humans, as a species, are constantly, and in every way, comparing themselves to one another, which, given the brief nature of their existence, seems an oddity and, for that matter, a waste. Nevertheless, this is the driving influence behind every human's social development, their emotional health and sense of joy, and, sadly, their greatest tragedies. It is as though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pining for that missing thing in all sorts of odd methods, none of which are working. The greater tragedy is that very few people understand they have the disease. To be sure, it is killing them, and yet sustaining their social and economic systems. They are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem." (here he is writing his thoughts out as though he were an alien :) I love the way this guy writes)

"In this way [he states prior to this 'it feels like you are going to die unless you get some kind of respect and appreciation'], the alien was right; we are comparing ourselves to one another and if somebody says they are better than you, it makes you very frustrated inside and you get sad or angry or bitter about it."

"What if, in the same way the sun feeds plants, God's glory gives us life? What if our value exists because God takes pleasure in us?...What if when we are with God, we feel that we have glory, we feel His love for us and know, in a way infinitely more satisfying than a parent's love or a lover's love, that we matter?"

"What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about [anything]...we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator."

So those are just a few of some amazing quotes written in the pages of Miller's book. He has such an uncanny way of pulling you away from religion and bringing you back to the fundamentals of a relationship and the reality of what the beliefs encompassed by Christianity really meant and should still mean today. This really was something I was already working my way into deeper understanding of what I believed but wanted proof for and answers for. It has also brought me into deeper questioning.

One of the thoughts I have had a lot lately is the way we allow ourselves to be driven by acceptance. For each person it revolves around a certain group or "type" of people. Everyone wants to know they are important to someone, to know they are liked, loved even. Who a person seeks that acceptance from varies by culture, personality, social status, and a variety of other factors but they will nevertheless go through different lengths to attain that feeling of being loved. Funny enough, for most of us it really is a fake "acceptance". We buy our way into organizations or act a certain way to fit in; sometimes it requires the right clothing or dating the correct people. It's a shallow form of filling this unexplainable, love-hungry void each person has. What would happen if we would learn that everyone is striving for this and could learn to love...really love?

I guess that really is a hope I have but realize it is unattainable because for that to happen, everyone would have to allow their eyes to be opened and believe in Christ and God, as what we know from creation and the bible.

And honestly, the only way to fill that desire for pure love is to have a relationship with God Himself. He is the only one who can love perfectly. He was the one who created that need in us so that hopefully, we would realize He is the one who can fill that need and we would enter a relationship with Him, for He is a relational God.

Mmmm...off track but another thought I have had is I have been faced with the realization, a lot lately, that you are not promised anything in this life. Not the next minute. Not tomorrow. Not a life without sorrow. Not happiness 24:7. Not wealth or a home or...ANYTHING! Life doesn't sit around waiting on you and let you tell it when you're ready to go. It doesn't promise that when you go places you're going to come back alive...(ironic I've been thinking this because God completely spared my brother and one of his friends their lives the other night....THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!).

How different would my life be if I actually started living by the principle that each minute is my last? How different would my thoughts be? How would I choose to spend my time? How would I choose to speak at each moment I open my mouth?

.......

I guess I'm doing a lot of heavy thinking.

Death Has Made Its Appointment With You...There is No Escape

Although I have not personally been faced with the loss of a person close to me, I have recently had to watch my little sister go through the loss of someone in her class at school. There is something about death that eludes me. It just isn't able to be grasped. It is depressing. It is somber. It is humbling. It is painful. And yet I still don't understand it.

It takes all the breath you have and leaves you suspended, gasping for more, hoping you will come out above what you thought might be taking your last. It isn't something anyone can wrap their minds around. One minute you have the person with you and the next you will never be able to tell them you love them. You will never be able to create another memory. You will never have another heart to heart conversation with them. No more plans with them. No more memories. No more photos. Nothing. You have what you were given and can no longer add to the ever growing list.

I think most of the time, we live like death will never come to visit us. We don't think about what kind of a legacy we want to leave, and some people don't leave a legacy because they lived as though there is no end. We don't think about how we want to be remembered when Death has finally come to take us by the hand and walk us through its door. Well, we don't live in that place. At least I know I don't.

I have spent much time thinking about how I want people to remember me, what I want them to do when I'm gone. But I don't spend every second of my day thinking about that and letting it drive me forward. Why I don't, I can't answer because I think it would probably be the wisest way to live. We are only human and thus are limited and will make mistakes. I just hope the longer I live, the more I will live this journey in a way that I am thinking about what I want to leave behind me when my time is up. I won't be here, and there will be material objects, but I want more than that to be left behind.

I want people to have been impacted by me. I want to have helped those younger than me achieve all they have the potential to be and then reach beyond that as they strive for excellence. I want those who have come in contact with me to remember me as someone who was vibrant, full of life, and brought joy into other's lives. I want them to remember me as someone who lived not for myself but for others. I know it's a lot to ask of oneself, but that really is what I want to be remembered as. I guess because I won't be here to find out if that's how I'm remembered, all I can do is live my best every day striving to be all that I was made to be: a light to others; a beacon of hope in a world full of sorrow; salt amongst the bland complacency we live amongst.