A Lot of Change Makes Your Head Spin

Time is really closing in on me....and it's the scariest thing I have ever faced aside from near-death experiences.

I guess that's relatively a good thing considering I have lived 21 and 1/2 years.

I have so many ideas floating around in my little finite mind and it is beginning to wear me out.

If you haven't learned this yet, listen to me now: time is not on your side; it will continue to work its way forward whether you want it to or not and to sit on your butt isn't going to help. I'm not saying all of this because I have been waiting around for something to happen. I'm saying this because you have to take action even if you're having to stand at a fork in the road for a while. You have to look as far down both roads as you can (which is about as far down the road as looking down at your feet because you can't predict anything) and make as educated a decision as possible, and then never look back. This is what I'm learning as my head wallows in a mass of chaotic thought embedded in all the change about to take place and all my questioning and deeper searching into theological thought and material(mmmmm...I love going places that I may never come back from with an answer. Frustrating at times but I still absolutely love it). :D

To give you some insight on why my head is spinning here are some of the things I have been thinking:

what on earth am i going to do when i graduate? what is the purpose of the church and does the church really serve that purpose anymore? do i need to stay in conway, move to fayetteville, move to baton rouge with my fam, or just go let my sense of adventure take me away to some far off state (because I don't want to live the rest of my life in arkansas if i don't have to)? do i need to get a job or go back to school? why on earth did God really let finite and 100% errant men canonize his inerrant truths? if i go back to school, what will i go for? am i crazy to really want to go to seminary? why does my family have to be moving in the middle of some of the biggest changes in all of our lives? why do i not have the guts to stand up to some people? why are people so stuck on thinking that if you are a true believer you will and must go to church? why do i have a love for youth and for music but i absolutely despise teaching in school? why did i spend four years earning a degree i will probably never use? how on earth did church become something you do on sunday? when did we lose sight of relationship and grab on to the idea of religion? what kind of jobs are open to me since my degree is only geared towards gaining my teaching license? why do people get onto me for hanging out with non-believers or those who live a controversial lifestyle? last i checked we're supposed to love everyone as ourselves and to witness is just to be involved in someones life, not to bible beat them...is it not?

Okay, so now that I actually typed some...like not even .000001 of what's going on in my head and life you understand why so much change at once is crazy and why I wish life was as easy as pushing the staples easy button. :P

Decisions are Never Easy

*sigh*

Yes, I just started my post sighing. I feel like there are so many things weighing on my shoulders currently and their are some decisions I just don't want to have to face yet.

I wish I could go back to school for free or had the funds to go back.

Yes...I just said it and I know all of you who are wanting out and read this probably hate me for saying it but when you finally round the corner, staring the End in the face, you don't want to stare it down with it laughing at you because you just don't know what the hell you are going to do since you don't want anything to do with your degree. The only thing close to my degree that I enjoy is teaching piano lessons.

You can't just start off from day one and automatically have a piano studio. Those things take Time and Time is not on your side in the beginning. You have to wait patiently and unfortunately, Life doesn't wait for you to build a piano studio so you can start paying for it: insurance, living quarters, car and car insurance, food, gas, you know...all the basic necessities of life.

I really don't want to move. I really don't want my family to move either.

I went out with my parents tonight and it was great. However, the mention of me moving with my parents just made me stress out. I love them and financially it would be great because I could save lots of money by living with them, but I really want to have the adventure of living on my own. I guess Time (yet again there is that ugly thing called Time) will tell what decision I am going to have to make. If I can find a job here that will support me then I will do that, but if I can't, then I will probably be having to move.

Oh dear! I don't even want to think about that possibility...

Too much change at once stresses me out. I normally don't like change anyway so I was trying to keep something normal. Ugh!

I guess I am off to ponder the weight of everything on my shoulders.

What a Creep!

Okay, so I came home this weekend because I really missed my family and my lil sis and I had decided we were going to spend some time tanning. We got up this morning to a GORGEOUS day: bright and sunny with the best temperatures for being near the end of winter. Pauline came over to chill with us and we all decided it would be a great idea to get an icee.

So we slip on some shorts and tank tops which made it obvious we had on our swim suits. We didn't think it would be that big of a deal except for it became one. One of the people who runs the gas station we went to was this old man who has tattoos coming out his ass and they aren't tasteful at all. Funny enough, he happened to be a creep. When he realized we had on swimsuits he asked us where we were going swimming and we told him we weren't, we were just tanning. Instead of leaving us alone he asked where we went tanning and we replied "at home". He shut up for a minute but then once we got to the register he points at Pauline and says, "She's tattooed on my arm."

*Okay creep, what are you up to?*

Pauline and I kind of look at each other funny, turn to look at his tattoo and both are kind of shocked. On his entire forearm is a tattoo of this SKINNY SKINNY woman with pretty much DDD boobs and a scrap of material to cover them...okay so her boobs are hanging out. He continues to show us all his tattoos when he turns to Laura and tells her that Pauline is on his arm. She thought he was talking about the woman checking us out and he says "No, and look at this. She can dance." The creep starts flexing his arm to make the boobs move. So, Pauline is tattooed on some random guys arms with boobs that do dances...apparently. Also, he tells us his life story about his ex-wife cutting him and how he ran away to Ohio...fun stuff it sounds like.

The greatest part: we get in the car and are laughing hysterically about this creep who tells us P is tattooed on his forearm and the first words out of her mouth are, "Well how would you feel if you saw your boobs jumping on a man's arm?"

Music Speaks to the Places Almost Nothing Else Can

Okay...so I'm supposed to be reflecting on my teaching and journaling: my lovely homework during this semester when I'm not typing up lesson plans or filling out paper work: YAY (NOT)! However, as I was about to start I found that almost impossible because of the music I was listening to. Simple stuff: Josh Groban. But for some reason I just found myself in this place that I can't speak what I feel I just know it's hitting me in those hidden places of my soul.

Why and how does music have such a profound impact in some people's lives? I know not everyone appreciates it and not everyone finds it to make them stop in their tracks but I often find myself in this place: I want to do nothing BUT listen to music and just soak it up. There is no explanation to it, it just is.

I don't know what I would do without music. I don't know what I would do without my ability to play the piano because of how much enjoyment I find in learning new pieces and taking in all the beautiful sounds that are produced from making music. I have such a deep appreciation for the art and am so thankful that it exists because when it seems like nothing would help me to keep going, something in the music will hit me in those places that make me want to keep going no matter what.

Good Good Good

I really enjoyed an extremely long phone conversation I had tonight. It was really great to be able to say out loud some things I had been thinking with someone who had known about the situation from the beginning. Adam if you read this: THANKS!

Totally different from the phone convo...just a thought that has been on my mind a lot lately and come up in several different conversations:

It has sucked going through some of the crap I have dealt with with my parents over the past couple of months, I am very...mmm...I don't know if grateful is the right word but I do not regret that we had those rough times. I think through them all we are going to grow closer. I don't wish them to happen but inevitable things like that will happen every now and then and I have to say I do appreciate my parents more and know they love me that much more. Even if I don't agree with everything they say and do, I appreciate that they hold to who they are and will tell me what they think because they love me and care about me. I really wish I had more time to be with them before they move away. And shoot! The disagreements are MINOR compared to what they could be...they're not over some huge ordeal and they weren't relation shattering. Yes, it may take time to rebuild but I'm all for it because they are worth everything to me. EVERYTHING

Time is too short...there is not enough of it. So I must cherish what I have. Unfortunately, going home means I don't get any homework done...but I'm at the point now where I may just say screw it and go home whenever I get a chance because I'm not going to have many more of these moments. That makes me really sad. I know people who would have thought a month ago I would never be saying this. But I love my family so much that even if I don't agree with everything, I want to do everything I can and will do everything I can to keep my relationship with them. I love them...I would die for them...I don't know what I'm going to do without them when they move away.

Road trippin' maybe? Anyone have to head down there so I'm not making it by myself?

I miss them so much right now. I think it's been a month since I've gotten to go home last and it sucks even more knowing they were all home without me just this past weekend...YESTERDAY and the day before yesterday and the day before yesterday's yesterday :D I know...I'm a total dork and I'm sleepy...BAD combination. But anywho, they were all there and I was here. And all I could keep thinking was: I wish I was able to be with them right now...I really just want to be with them! So I'm going home next weekend...I'm going HOME! Who cares about some professional development thing that I'm not required to go to and care nothing about... I'm going HOME!

Ready for May 3rd

If there was ever a time in my life that I have almost followed through with the temptation of doing something half-heartedly, it is now. I absolutely love kids and I love working with them in small settings but I hate working at school. What on earth am I going to do when I get out of school you ask? Beats me...I wish I could have enough piano students to get paid enough to live off of...but that takes a lot of time to work into.

Anyway, back to wanting to do something half-heartedly: I really don't want to do all the work that I'm supposed to to graduate. I struggle daily to find the positives and usually my saving grace is that I have piano students waiting for me after school. Occasionally, I have a really good time with the 4th grade classes I see in the afternoon...they are my favorite age to work with so I guess that goes without saying. It's just frustrating knowing that I have spent four years of my life, pouring all I have into a degree that I will probably never use.

What on earth am I going to do? I guess the next couple of months will tell all.

Valentine's is for Those Who Want More Money

So...I have nothing against the holiday and I have celebrated it when I have been in a relationship but I still think the entire day is a HUGE marketing scam. I mean someone invented a day for everyone to celebrate love but isn't that kind of pointless...if you really love someone you will find a way to show the person you care for that you love them every day. I think it's great to do something a bit out of the ordinary, that may cost more than what you can afford every day and I'm definitely for celebrating when you have a significant other. However, I will still always think it was created by someone who was trying to find a way to make more money.

I don't hate the holiday and as long as I have a significant other I will celebrate. Shoot, we even sort of celebrated with my students at school today. I'm too poor to afford valentine's for 300+ students and my piano students but we celebrated none the less and it wasn't like I turned away the cute chocolates and cards that were given to me by a few students just because I think it's a marketing scam. I just have thought and will always think valentine's is a holiday created by those who want more money.

Disgusting to Clean

It's bad enough to live in a girl's apartment that never gets clean...and I mean NEVER! But it's even worse when you think your apartment looks like a bachelor's AND you're good guy friends think it looks worse than a bachelor's apartment.

So...

Today, I woke up and started cleaning. The microwave is now clean except for the stains. The counter is spotless. The stove is sparkling white. And the floors, including under every piece of furniture that is easily movable by one person without removing everything from it's shelves, are now quite clean. I can't say that there isn't anything left in them, but I got most of it up. How do I know? I have a wal-mart sack full of dust/hair/nastiness that is getting thrown away.

YAY for a clean apartment! That had not been done since we moved in over a year and half ago...yuck!

I'm Weird

I have this random urge to write...with no point in mind. Just a desire to write until I've worn every last bit of language out of my fingers. Unfortunately, I have no clue what I want to write about or what to write about. I just had to put that somewhere so I wasn't keeping it locked in myself.

My conclusion from all of this: I'm weird.

Things that Keep Me Going...

If there is anything I have discovered from student teaching so far, it is that I was not made to work with more than max of 3 small children at a time. I love kids, I just can only handle them in small doses. I have no idea why I'm wired like this, I just know that's the way I am.

So as I've sat at school trying to find the positives, I have found a few things that seem to keep me going:

1) The hope of my piano students at the end of the day. I despise the fact that I have to be working until quite late considering my day starts at 7:30/7:45ish and I'm not done until 7 on average but knowing that most of my piano students are really good students and a lot of fun drives me to finish the day.

2) The hope that I might get a student who is normally stoic to smile, prone to misbehavior to be the best student for the day, and those who may get no attention at home may at least get a little from me. Unfortunately, half the time I can make them feel special we have this dumb "we're invisible" policy so I'm not supposed to talk to the students...GREAT! I guess it's a good policy but it just doesn't seem to make sense to me.

3) There is a student at school who has for some reason decided he thinks the world of me. He is precious and has a very sweet demeanor. I have this awesome, simple smiley face staring at me in my apartment that he drew in about the 2 seconds I was in their class to talk with his teacher. I don't know why but he's melted my heart :D

4) Random, funny happenings that have occurred in class. One such occurrence was earlier this week a student was playing with a ranch packet (they had had salad with lunch). His methods of playing with it was to twist it in the middle, which inevitably busted the packet. However, the thing didn't just squirt...it EXPLODED on everything. He was covered, the piano had ranch all over it, even some of the other students were fortunate to get ranch on them :D The bad thing: my mentor got onto the class for laughing and I was probably laughing the hardest when he was getting onto them. I had to try to stifle my laughter while starting to clean up the mess....I have to say it was HILARIOUS!

5) My students thinking I'm amazing for knowing songs like "soulja boy"! Yeppers...I am the coolest to them because I know the song...and sort of but not really know the dance. HAHA!

6) oh and somehow, you do no wrong in their eyes. So even after I've disciplined one of them they come right back and ask for a hug...or attach themselves to you like they're a leech and cannot survive without being attached to you.

I just hope I can find more things like this to keep me going...because ugh! There are problems galore at school...and half the time I can't stand being there. At least it is only for a few months.