I'm feeling extremely morose. I've been feeling this way for several days now and it just doesn't make sense.
I mean...I know that part of it was brought on by the depth of emotion I've connected with in the music I've been listening to lately: Gavin Degraw, Matt Wertz, Dave Barnes. Even some of Jason Mraz's stuff.
But I feel like its more...seriously, can music make you feel like your guts are about to spill on the pavement and when they do all you can do is aimlessly attempt to save yourself before your heart stops because your lungs can no longer provide that vital vacuuming in air and pushing it out? Not to mention the loss of blood...
And I've had some deep thoughts and convos with God lately...but somehow I feel its more than just the connection with revelations he's given me lately.
I don't even think it's brought on by the hard times I've been in since I moved down here. Don't get me wrong, life is good considering I'm breathing and God has provided my every need, but it's just been rough. A low point. A time where I've realized there are things in my life I've never had (and I'm not talking not being in the top percentage of the inaccessibly rich or a desire for possessions or ineffaceable beauty). I am almost certain it is not these realizations and trials that are causing this moroseness to settle deep within my core because God has graciously granted me ineradicable joy. Not happiness, that which vanishes, but JOY!
And yet, I still sit in puzzlement as my being seems wrapped into bleak sorrow.
Can this even be possible? To feel so bleak and yet be in possession of the greatest emotion God has granted us: joy?
I guess it's what James meant when he said, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)
Maybe I wasn't meant to understand this. Or maybe I was meant to go through this without understanding and later would look back on it, able to see exactly what this produced in me.
Even if that's the case, it doesn't diminish the frustrations that come with being in this place. But I know that God will pull me through this and I will be changed, whether or not I know it.
Bullet Points.
8 years ago
1 comment:
I'm reminded of Søren Kierkegaard's notion that a true Christian is a dark knight of faith. Yes, we can know joy through an intimate relationship with God. Yes, that joy is ever-present. Yes, anyone who knows that joy is eternally grateful. But it is also true that we are still human, and still subject to all the lies and despair that come with that condition. Faith isn't all-purpose guarantee of happiness and neither is Joy. But maintaining Faith and Joy through the times of darkness and despair and desperation that society and our own neural chemistry throw at us is the mark of a true Christian. Becoming one with the inherent paradoxes associated with being subject to those two radically different states of being is the hard task of Faith that every true Christian has to come to terms with. And if it sounds like I think I'm telling you something you don't already know, well that's just because I'm not as good with words as I'd like to be. But sometimes we need to hear the things we already know. And I know our paths through life have been by and large separated from one another, but I know you well enough to know that your Faith and your Joy are beyond the sum of your mind and body, and that you're ready to face any betrayal your gut may have in store.
I Love You, Coz,
Alex
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