Stuck

You know how you get that wierd sensation when food gets caught in your throat? I'm constantly feeling like that on a daily basis currently...I've been feeling like that for a few months now. Except the only problem is the feeling has nothing to do with food and everything with theological questions and questioning my faith because I feel like I'm missing a fundamental part. I feel like I have been trapped in a box with what people around me have told me for so long I can't even hear my own thoughts towards what has been taught.

I know I think the church has been stuck in a rut of check list after check list that is necessary to have "faith". But I don't agree.

What happened to a relationship with Christ? What happened to just wanting to spend time with Him (and not being told how, why, when, where, etc. you have to spend time with him)? What happened to showing Him to others just by loving them rather than trying to force some five step process that has to be reckoned with to believe (anyone can believe some five fundamentals to a belief system without living by them anyway)?

I kind of feel like I'm caught in a circle. I was at this place two or three months ago, never really left it, never really found a place where I could dig deeper, and still feel like I really don't have much time to dig deeper or even know where to start. I don't know where to start because everything I have been taught was "right" won't keep it's mouth shut long enough for me to dig into what is really true. I feel like if I could finally hear just what I was thinking for a few seconds, a billion questions would burst forth I might actually start getting somewhere and the "food" might unlodge from my throat.

It's not that I think the church has it all wrong. I definitely think it can bring something to the table. I just think it has taken what it was given and made it more complex and off the road in comparison to what it is supposed to be. I don't have the answers or even claim to know exactly where to find them...I just know I can't shake this lodged feeling in my throat and churning in my stomach produced by the "truth" preached today and what I am learning through a few different books and through my time with Christ.

I'm beginning to think that Satan is working his hardest to make everyone have to join the work force and never leave because in these days and times, everyone does what they can to keep busy. And those who try to have a life and be able to sit back and relax can't because they're under the thumb of their authorities who tell them to keep working, keep producing, keep the economy running. I swear the economy is going to crash and this world that has run on "busy, busy, busy, sleep (wait...what is that?)" won't know what to do with itself.

I'm a week from permanently joining the work force and already find with my temporary job I just left on Friday, I have no time for anything because by the time I'm finished with work, all my body has energy to do is sleep. I'm going to have to start finding ways to make myself stay awake just so I can research, just so I can read, just so I can relax and finally start answering questions for myself so I can silence, once and for all, the voices of mediocrity.