Becoming an Adult is Harder Than it Should Be in My Home

Okay...so my parents asked me how I define independence, which I don't think is a bad thing; I just find it extremely odd that they are giving off the air that independence is different for everyone. I thought that independence meant the same thing for everyone: you are no longer dependent on someone else, you take care of yourself and you make decisions for yourself. Here, webster defines it pretty close to what I think it is:

1: not dependent: as a (1): not subject to control by others : self-governing (2): not affiliated with a larger controlling unit b (1): not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent (2): not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct c (1): not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) (2): being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living d: showing a desire for freedom

Now, I am currently not completely independent of my parents in terms of livlihood because there are still some things that they pay for. And that is what makes this situation sticky.

They want me to become my own person, to become an adult, which on my terms I already am an adult (I guess they just don't see it that way...why I don't think I will ever understand). However, they hold the things that they do control (food, gas, my car belongs to them, etc.) over my head to get me to make the decisions that they want me to. They tell me that I am free to make my own decision, even if they don't agree with it, but then I'm pretty much "punished" if I don't do what they want.

So I'm stuck in this limbo where I don't agree, know that I make my own decisions, but at the same time almost have to play by their rules to get by without looking at them and telling them that I don't want anything to do with them. I don't want to push my family out of my life, I love my family very much, but somehow my parents are pretty much telling me that if I make my own decisions and they don't agree that I have to turn my back on my family.

I really don't think that is right. Period.

So when I define indedence to them telling them that I no longer look to them for answers to my questions, what are they going to say?

I do believe that at the point I am at parents become friends and no longer play the parental role. So, yes, they will still be giving me advice, but I have to make decisions based on what I feel guided to do knowing that I take full responsibility for my decision. Being a friend with someone, you do give them advice based on how you might handle the situation, BUT in the end you have to make the decision for yourself and not based on what someone else would do. So when I disagree with my parents and don't do what they would want me to, I still respect them but I have disagreed with how they might handle the situation and they can't tell me to do otherwise.

Why this is so hard for them I really can't say. Why it is so hard for me to communicate I don't know either. Maybe because I'm afraid of how I'm going to keep living this semester if they pull all my resources out from under me. Maybe they are bluffing, like many of my friends believe. But after talking with my Brother-in-law and hearing him say he would do the same thing, I don't think it's a ploy. My parents will really pull the plug. At that point, I'm stuck because I can see them taking away my car, which is really the biggest problem I have. I can find a job that will support me and if need be apply for a small student loan, but I don't know how transportation would work out...becasue it's not like I have enough to go buy a car and start making payments on it.

Becoming an adult in my household is far more complicated than it should be. I think half the problem is they are not ready to let go. They are afraid of what it means to let a daughter go and not have some person over her that she has to go to before she makes a decision.