Myself Has Returned

There are some things in life that have made me want to become internal, allowing no one but me to see my true self. People, circumstances, thoughts that have run rampant in my mind...really lots of things that have made me want to retreat into myself.

Needless to say that for the past couple of years I have not been myself. Yes, aspects of me have changed because that is part of growing up: changing to become who you were made to be and changing into a better person while you are learning about the world around you. However, most of me not being myself was due to pressure from those who told me I had to change...that who I am had something wrong and needed to change into a "better" person.

Needless to say, the change I have seen in myself lately has been amazing. I would have never guessed that I could have retreated so far into my being, but I have truly been way more relaxed...much more myself lately. I am not afraid, usually, of what others think of me. I am happy with being who I am and will not change for anyone. I have learned the repercussions of what happens when you change to be who someone wants you to be. Change should happen because you see the need to change, not just because someone tells you to. Yes, there are always things about a person that should change, but having them change themselves for a person is pointless. They will be miserable, as I was, and wonder what on earth happened to them. Maybe it will not manifest it in them in that way but it will find it's way in their life and they will wonder what is wrong with themselves.

I am doing things that died in me when I internalized myself and I am learning to see the change that has occurred in me, the change that initiated itself without anyone forcing it. For instance, the writer in me has returned. It has been a while since I have sat to write a poem. I have wanted to, but run dry on words. And without realizing it, the musician in me has grown over the past three years, although I have not realized it until very recently.

If there is one thing I have learned from watching myself retreat and return it is that I am now secure in who I am and anyone who is only trying to change me is not worth my time. Suggest the change, get me thinking about areas that I can improve on, and then let the change manifest itself in me without the person having to try to force it because it's what they want. Change is good, even necessary, but it is never to be done on the basis of what a person thinks you should be.

On Life and Growing Up

When I can look life in the eyes,
grown calm and very coldly wise,
life will have given me the truth,
and taken in exchange - my youth.
Sara Teasdale

I've not wanted to admit it lately....and I really wasn't thinking about it this morning until I came across this quote. But growing up can take away your youth (at least physically). I still feel young, I still look ridiculously young, but sometimes I just don't feel it.

It's crazy thinking that in just a few short months, everything about the way I live will change. I will be renting an apartment, I will be out in the real world with a real job, and my mind will still think that I'm younger than what I truly am.

mmm...and to think about this quote: how much of the truth of life do I want to be given to me. Sometimes I enjoy the sheer innocence of not knowing exactly what there is to know out there. Did I make any sense just now? You try to make sense of what I said. There is so much to know, so little time, and a child mindset that I enjoy having at times.

I like that I can reason for myself, that no one has to tell me what to think or say or do, but there was something to be said about the childlike innocence where the simple pleasures of life were enough.

I don't know if this entry will make sense at all...I've just been rambling...but it felt good to get it out of my head.

Ahhh the Tradition

so...I arrived home today after spending thanksgiving up in freakin' cold Bella Vista, AR. It was wonderful, a good time with the family.

Top 10 highlights between yesterday and today:

10) The drive there and back, although I have to say the drive back was more interesting: Laura and Jeff both decided to be awake and crazy...and we stopped in Van Buren for some starbucks with Matt... Fun times :)

9) Laura and I had some good late night laughs

8) Linds decided to amuse us by wearing some pajama shorts and tall white socks. Let's just say: SEXY!

7) My little cousin was so sad when Jeff, Laura, and I were leaving today that she started crying (she's a youngster). I thought it was cute and really sweet! Maybe because I love little kids so much :D

6) The food was AMAZING! I stuffed myself yesterday and today...and didn't eat anything after...two meals in two days....crazy!

5) I enjoyed watching the thermometer in my car drop from 75 to 43 in the span of 3 hours

4) It meant my senior recital was over. Weight off the shoulders!

3) Drew March was home for it this year! Our whole family was actually together!

2) Getting the Christmas tree... "Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ring ting tingling too......"

AND DRUM ROLL please..................................

...............................................................

1) My grandmother played Guitar Hero III . The laughter we shared from that was some of the greatest laughter ever. My grandmother is stinkin' amazing with technology.


There you have it. Those are some of the interesting parts of my life for the past 48 hours...I love being with my family but I'm kind of missing Conway....my roomies and my friends.